The single worst question I’ve faced all week is what I’m doing for Thanksgiving/the Holidays. It’s well meaning small talk, I know that. But. My answer is complicated. 

I’m doing nothing for Thanksgiving. Which isn’t entirely true. I’ll make our traditional BBQ ribs dinner, with baked beans and baked mac and cheese. I’ll probably clean the house in preparation for Christmas decorating. I’ll convince my sister to take her Chrome book to my parents so I can video chat with them all. I’ll knit and read. I’ll just be home alone for pretty much all of it. 

How’s that for an answer? So I just laugh and say nothing because my husband is working. And quickly ask what they’re doing to deflect away. 

The December holidays are equally difficult. I’m so excited to go home to Texas for Christmas. I can’t wait to meet my brother’s significant other. I can’t wait to watch my niece and nephew open presents and share the magic with them. 

But. B will be here in SoCal. Working nights and sleeping through the days. I’ll come home just in time for him to work the NYE weekend. And yes, he’ll be off right after and we’ll make our escape just us. 

But the holidays are complicated. I’m happy yet I know I’ll be missing half my heart the whole time. Which, living away from family and a plethora of friends is a constant state. I wish I could always have everyone I love near me. 

It’s complicated. But. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Much of the pain comes from having so many people in so many places to love. It can’t ever all be assuaged at once. So I’ll live my holiday juxtaposition and be grateful for the people who make life so complex. 


About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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