I remember that it was one of those days that is sticky and warm, but not overwhelmingly hot. We were out walking the dog in the empty corporate parking lot across from our apartment complex. I remember that I was just back from Texas and my sister’s baby shower. But I don’t remember what exactly prompted the conversation.
I know there had to have been a precipitating event. A fight, a late day of work for B, something had to have happened. One of my biggest faults is truly that I will sacrifice and put myself last, all while resenting it until something happens that makes me explode. It is not an attractive fault.
All I remember is walking the parking lot while Loki darted too and fro, and telling B that I needed a hobby. I needed something that wasn’t tied up in him. Little did I know that we would shortly be buying a house and moving and I would have that to consume me. And I’m so grateful for that.
Instead, I decided to sign up for a half marathon. I couldn’t even run three miles without needing a break. But I wanted the commitment of running 13.1. I wanted something that would be good for me in both body and spirit. I had no idea how big it would be.
I run now when I’m stressed. I run when I’m sad. I run when I’m angry. I run when I’m frustrated at the third day of three with multiple hours of over time. I run when I’m happy and can’t sit still. I run when things are good and when they’re bad. I run for me. I run for us.
Something I’ve noticed, is that both B and I drop the things we love when we swing toward depression. We quit reading, quit moving, quit doing what makes us happy. And we become less happy people to be around. Which makes our marriage less happy.
Me care is we care. Taking time for myself makes me a better partner. When I run, when I see my girlfriends, when I make myself happy, I have more to give. This shouldn’t be revolutionary or new, and yet.
Running is a firm part of my identity now. I couldn’t be happier that a frustrated, most likely tear-filled, parking lot conversation has turned into one of the best decisions of my life. It’s jump started a lot of self care that I didn’t even know that I needed.