It’s interesting to me, this concept of doing something for myself. Not just a small something either, but a fairly major one. The last several years of my life have been about supporting B, following him wherever the AF takes us, and making do. I’ve been asked more times than I can count about what I’m doing for myself or when it will be my turn for the focus to be on me and I’ve felt bemused.
I didn’t get it. But, now I think I do.
Earlier this year I came to terms with something – that I didn’t like the size of my original engagement ring. I was ashamed. I was embarrassed. I felt unworthy. I also was unhappy and wanted my sparkly stone to be bigger. I remember that I had to get tipsy in order to tell B. His response was to take me to Zales and let me try on a 1 carat ring. When we left, he told me that he figured if we were going bigger we should go bigger and we ordered a 2 carat moissanite ring that night. I don’t care that it’s “fake” because it’s big, sparkly and didn’t cost us the down payment on a home.
That sparked something in me. I realized that I don’t want to apologize for who I am. I am a woman who likes big, sparkly jewelry. There’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with being true to myself, even if it isn’t how other people would do it.
The other thing I’ve learned has come from my most recent decision to screw it and do what I want. In eleven days, I’m driving down to the Cities and getting a boob job. I’ve wanted to do this for years. My sister got all the boob genes in our family and while I don’t want as much as she has, I’d like quite a bit more than what I have. When we (I) made the decision to do this, I told B that we weren’t going to tell anyone. My body, my secret. I didn’t want people thinking I was that girl.
But I am that girl. I’m the girl who is getting a breast augmentation because it’s what I want. No apologies. The funny thing being, that the reaction I’ve received from the people I’ve told (because I suck at keeping secrets) have entirely been positive. From people saying “go you” to the ones telling me they’re jealous and they wish they could do it, I’ve realized that the only way something becomes or stays a shameful secret is if you let it be a secret.
This is what I’m doing for me. I’m ending my twenties by living the life I want and not apologizing for it.