When I asked for this photo to be taken, the person next to B started clearing out beer bottles. We both laughed and told them to relax, that we were okay with them being in the picture. It’s an apt viewing of how we made it through this holiday week – slightly tipsy and with timorous smiles that threatened to collapse under the weight of pretense.
To say that we struggled would be an understatement. We’re still waiting on two packages of Christmas gifts, plus two other packages that were mailed earlier this month. It’s hard when family feels bad and you have to reassure them that it’s okay. Even when it isn’t. Our postal service was open on Christmas Eve and we received one package.
It was my long awaited dress. The one that I won. The one that I had never seen and knew that I would love. Until I saw it. If I could make a list of the things I wouldn’t want in a dress, this dress would hit almost every item. I cried. More aptly, I bawled. Big, ugly tears tracked rivulets down my face. The disappointment was just too much. It’s not that it’s an ugly dress, it’s just that it’s a not me dress. And now I need to find it another home. It’s one more thing to do plus the addition of dress shopping back to my list.
I’m tired of people telling me that everything will be okay just because I have B with me. Yes, our wedding will be lovely, regardless of what I wear, but I’m allowed to be disappointed that this dress didn’t meet my expectations. Yes, we have each other to celebrate Christmas with, but we also have two families to miss. Being together is not a magical cure-all for homesickness or disappointment. Sometimes, we even make it worse for each other; because, we’re human and shit happens.
Our original plan for Christmas was to grab food and go see a movie, or two, in order to get out of the house. Turkey didn’t get the memo though and foiled our plans by only having one movie out in English – the Hobbit. Since we’d already watched that one, we did lunch and then walked the mall. Sadly, the Turkish version of winter clothes this year is an overabundance of plaid, complete with “Lumberjack is back” man.
Instead we walked the dogs, played video games, and did our best to struggle along quietly. We did get to Skype with both families, but in some ways that just made it harder. His brother’s house had super slow internet, so we could barely see them or tell who was talking. My family at least had working internet, but the repeated statements of missing us just brought us both down.
It was with relief that I took everything down today. It barely made it through yesterday, I was gunning to clean it all up. We survived this week, next week will be easier, and the week after that we’ll be dropped into the chaos of packing out our house.
Here’s to next year somewhere tropical.