Cross-posted from Love Ever After.

*Disclaimer:The following is a parody and is not being used to make any money. All creative rights for If You Give a Mouse a Coookie, the inspiration for this post, belong to its author, Laura Numeroff.*

If you tell a spouse she’s moving, she’s going to ask you for a listing. When you give her the listing, she’ll probably research every location that goes on the development plan. Seeing all of the locations will make her start a spread sheet comparing living expenses, climates, and job opportunities.

When you submit the development plan, she’ll have her heart set on a couple of choices, and will want the notification of where she’s going. Her spread sheet will remind her which location is her favorite even when she promises to keep her expectations low. She’ll ask each day if you know where you’re going.

When you tell her where you’re moving, she’ll probably cry. Crying will remind her that there is a lot of work to be done, so she’ll pull herself together to print off the paperwork you sent her. Printing off the paperwork you’ve sent to her, will remind her that she needs to update your important documents folder.While she is updating the important documents folder, you will call her and ask for her for her social security number because there was just one more form that needed it and she’ll double check that her address is right in DEERS too. When you tell her that it is she will ask you how long until you can submit your orders.

Once you submit for orders, she’ll ask you daily if you’ve heard back, while making plans to thrive in the new location. She’ll probably look up apartment complexes, job listings, and read reviews for the best gyms in the area. While she’s researching jobs, she’ll remember that you’ll need a second car and start a new spread sheet to help decide which car would be the best purchase. Starting the spread sheet will get her excited about how soon you will be moving and she will create a countdown calendar to monitor how long until move.

The longer the orders take to come in, the more plans she will make. The plans for when to pack out will dictate when she has to quit her job. Quitting her job will remind her that she will have nothing to do for the last month of your assignment. This will make her research plane tickets to visit her family and career change possibilities as things to fill her time. Before your orders come in she will have planned your leave in route so that she can purchase the car, see her family, and have some time off with you.

When you call to tell her you have your orders, she will jump for joy and then ask you about your pack out dates and plane tickets. When you tell her that for plane tickets you need the dogs weighed in their kennels at the terminal, she will wrestle both dogs and their giant kennels down to the terminal and take them home and bathe them after they pee in their kennels.

While you wait to get dates, she will start cleaning the house. Vacuuming the rug will remind her that she needs to have them all cleaned and she will send them out the next day. Sending out the rugs for cleaning will start her massive purging process. She’ll work her way through closets, bedrooms, and book collections getting everything ready for packing out. What she can’t sell at the yardsale, she’ll donate to the thrift shop. All while organizing things into piles for unaccompanied baggage shipments, household goods, and things you’ll carry with you.

When you give her the dates for leaving, she’ll probably cry again. She’ll call all her friends and ask them to dinner and when they come, she’ll ask them to come again. Having friends over will remind her that she’ll miss this place too and she’ll make the most of the time she has left. When you’re standing in the terminal, waiting to board the plane, she won’t tell her friends goodbye, but simply, “see you later.”

~The Countess~


About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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