NaBloPoMo November 2013If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Ah the ubiquitous, what would you change about yourself question. I’ve gone through so many iterations of myself over the past few years, changed so much anyway, that there are times that I hardly know myself anymore. Each interpretation of myself would have changed something different and I think that’s part of growing up.

Single me during college and grad school would have done anything to be more datable. Lower weight? Bigger boobs? Better hair? Maybe more money in the bank as that always seems to do it. What I really was looking to change was less about my physical appearance and more about having a significant other. All those changes were desired just to get the single change of my relationship status.

Long distance relationship me would have changed either my or his location. I still wonder what our story would have looked like had we lived in the same city the entire time. B’s opinion is that we would have been engaged sooner, but married slightly later. Every time I dropped him off at the airport, or crossed through security myself, as the tears started I’d wish on each one for us to be closer to each other.

Newly wed me would have changed my financial status. I came into marriage with debt, and while we’ve paid it all of now, I wish I had come into it with more assets to my name instead. Past me robbed future me of money every time she swiped that credit card and not having debt definitely would have helped me feel more stable as everything else around me changed. I struggled with finding my place financially in our relationship – I wasn’t working, we were paying off my debt, and I felt like a burden.

And now there’s married for three years, financially stable me. No need to wish for changes to my appearance to score a date, I have a man who has seen me at both my highest and lowest adult weights and loved me every step in between. No need to wish us closer together, at least right now, as we’re living together and loving life that way. No need to wish away debt as hard work has taken care of that for us and along the way we’ve figured out how to balance our roles in marriage.

Which brings us full circle to the original question. What would I change about myself if I could? I think I would change my career path. I love teaching piano, I delight in sharing music, but it isn’t always the most marketable skill. In a big city, I can easily earn enough money to pay my bills. But in these smaller, out of the way places we keep moving? It’s a little harder. I wish that I had the foresight while we were in Germany, or even here, to take some classes to give my employment opportunities a boost. I’m not even sure what that would look like, to be honest, I just wish that I could make it easy to find a good, fulfilling job in North Dakota.

What, if anything, would you change about yourself?

~The Countess~


About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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3 Responses to Six

  1. San says:

    I like the way you approached this question. I think it’s true… we would change different things at certain points in our lives!

  2. Army Amy says:

    I’m also having regrets about my career path. I wonder if that is something that goes with being this age? (Steph over at just posted something similar on the topic.) I’ve been mulling over my job options a lot lately. Mostly, I’m just not happy where I am but if my husband really does leave when he’s *supposed* to for deployment, I keep telling myself that I just need to suck it up for now. No point in making a major life change right this second right? Except that I’m not happy. Oh, what to do.

    • I wonder if part of it is age. And if so, then maybe we, as a society, need to look at moving back making career decisions so early. Maybe there should be civil service prior to college, a chance to see the world, more exposure before you have to settle down and make a choice on what to do for the rest of your life.

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