Okay-Not Okay-Okay Again

It’s been nothing but ups and downs over here recently. Nothing majorly good, nothing majorly bad, just the minor little bumps of every day life. I laugh, I cry and then I do it all over again. Every now and then there is a calm pause between the manic pace of life but it is rare.

I know it’s okay to be not okay. I just miss it when I really was okay. I miss being the calm and level headed one. I miss…I’m not even sure. Because right now I’m having to go back to early high school to remember when things actually were calm and bubbly in my head all the time. Is it okay to admit that it’s never been all okay even if it’s never all been not okay?

It’s definitely time to admit that I am a slightly crazy woman. That I have hormones that rage out of control and make me cry, laugh, and yell all in the same statement. That I definitely don’t appreciate what I have enough and am inclined to take people and things for granted when I know that I shouldn’t. That it’s okay to be not okay. That it’s okay to struggle with depression. That just because I get sad doesn’t mean I need to get fixed.

I guess the first step is in acknowledging that I’m not always okay and that I’m okay with that. The second would be in embracing that knowledge and quit thinking that I need to somehow make life perfect or everything is ruined. I need to remember that I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be normal, I don’t have to fit into perceptions that are all just in my head anyway. The only thing I have to do is be  true to myself. And maybe quit drinking wine as that never seems to end well.

I know it’s been quiet here recently. Just know that I’m okay even if I’m not okay.

~The Countess~


About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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2 Responses to Okay-Not Okay-Okay Again

  1. Army Amy says:

    Just wanted to pop in to offer some hugs. I totally know what it’s like to be not okay. And you’re right, there’s nothing wrong with that, and you will get back to being okay.

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