I thought things were better, but it turns out that the damage was much more extensive than I first thought.
I sat in complete silence, my own tears from earlier still working their way down my face to drip from my chin on to my chest. I could barely breathe. Coherent thoughts were far from my mind. I wondered where this silence had been when I’d needed it before. I wondered why the tears were gone when they should be here now more than ever. His voice cracked when he asked me the next question. My response drove us both to tears. Now they came. Gut wrenching sobs, my body wracked and torn.
I thought I had found the dawn, sunlight safe and warm. Instead, it seems I’m just in another twilight period. Not safe. Not out. Not over.
We talked, we held each other, we apologized. Over and over again the words slipped through my lips. Something has to give. Something has to change. I have to change. I thought I’d managed to limit the damage, control the impact, steer the affect. But it has slipped past me and poisoned my home. This, then, is the true cost depression, his happiness in addition to my own.
I hate that word. I hate that it describes me right now. But I can use it easier than the other word.
Am I depressed? Am I in denial? Do I need help?
I am depressed. I have been depressed for a long time now. Longer than this move. Longer than this period of unemployment. I’ve fought against it. I’ve rationalized it away. I’ve given it a foothold into my life by not properly accrediting it for the devastation it causes.
I sat there, with my heart shattered and clutched desperately back together again. For the first time, in a long time, I didn’t feel like I was drowning with each breath I took in. I’m not all better. But I’m on the road to recovery. I’m okay with it being a long journey, but it has to start now.
I’m in tatters and everything all around me is in shadows.
There is a light dim and misty
Far away through a path that’s twisted
Toward it I run all unheeding
To the danger that is proceeding
Be it tunnel, sun, or train
I will not stop until I gain
That precious light, life’s first breath
And succumb at last to final death.
Onwards, to the light, bring what it may.