Finding Words

I miss Scintilla, it came along right at the right moment. I was struggling to find the words to say, and it gave me the gift of the spark, the idea, the push to find the momentum to put words on a page. And now it is gone, fading in our memories as a part of the good ol’ days. I am left with the here and now, with every triumph, every struggle, but mostly with everyday mundanity that threatens to underwhelm the spark right out of life.

I have always been a talker. I love whispering in the dark, chatting on the phone, sharing bits of myself and my day as I go along. I have always come here to share my words, my thoughts, my dreams. And yet. Lately I find myself not even wanting to check this place. The words are running from me, sprinting fearfully ahead and ever out of my grasp. I want to be significant. I want to matter. And in those wants I have lost my voice.

I need to be able to come here and talk about my job hunt. But I worry that I’m not funny enough to convey this in a way that people will appreciate.

I need to be able to come here and express my frustration that nothing in my wardrobe fits. But I am silenced by those who say anyone in a size 8 or smaller shouldn’t complain about weight or clothes.

I need to be able to come here and wail about how hard it is sometimes to live on a continent far away from all my family. But I fear not being strong enough to do it on my own.

And even more, I fear the silence that is the response to most of my life. Every day I check the social websites, scour them honestly, for some connection between me and others. Most days the only email I receive is a 50% off offer from Shutterfly. I am craving human connection with the people I know in the world at large. Even as I try and build new little friendships here, on our island of a base, I still need the contact from those who have been here before.

I am trying to find my words again. Without the help of a guided promp. Without the fellowship of new readers. Just me, my computer, and some cathartic words.

~The Countess~

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About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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6 Responses to Finding Words

  1. Stereo says:

    You’re not the only one, sister.

    I am hoping that revamping my blog will give me the inspiration I need. And I hope that you find your inspiration too. I miss your words.

    • I think the chasm left in my life by Scintilla has taught me just how important words (mine and others) are to me. The community and fellowship that I felt every morning as I received the email was amazingly invigorating. Now to just find that within myself and be my own fire within.

  2. Sarah Sue says:

    thinking of you and missing you friend! keep on writing, i want to stay in the K loop!

    • :) I will keep writing. Now to just motivate myself to write in both locations so that the travel blog gets updated to. Not that there have been a lot of travels recently, but still…

  3. Mary says:

    I understand this – I go through phases of feast and famine with topics to write about. Don’t worry about the audience – write for you above all else, your readers appreciate that (I know I do!)

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