When Amy pinned this the other day it really jumped out at me. I was in the middle of a weekend of wallowing over how miserable I was. I was lonely, homesick, melancholy, bored, weepy, and just no fun to be around. I will admit, especially when my hormones are just right, that I at times choose to be sad. There’s something about a grey attitude to match a grey day that appeals to something deep inside me.
Yes, that’s as messed up as it sounds. Here’s the thing, if I could just turn on and off being sad, it would be perfect. It would let me feel all mellow and blue when I wanted to, but then I would be back to being happy when I needed to be. Only problem is, it doesn’t work like that. So everytime that I choose to indulge in being sad, I can’t fight my way back up. And the more I choose to be sad, the harder it is to choose to be happy.
For the rest of this month I am going to make a concerted effort to choose to be happy. To choose to find something to smile about, something to be grateful for, something to enjoy. I am going to do my best to reject wallowing in the feelings of isolation, loneliness, and depression that surround me. I am hoping that by making this effort that I can beat back the cloud that’s been hanging over my head.
Now, I know that it’s not always as simple as that. And I know that I suffer a bit from Seasonal Affectation Disorder. I’m a girl who likes her warm sunshine. But, I refuse to just give in and make myself and B miserable all the time. We get little enough time together right now as it is. And I don’t want to be all mopey when I am with him.
My focus points for accomplishing this goal are:
1. Finding 3-5 things to be thankful for every day. Reminding myself of everything I have to be thankful for will hopefully remind me that I have an amazing life.
2. Exercising every day. I need my endorphins.
3. Just choose happy. I know that there isn’t always a choice, but a lot of times I can choose to be happy. I’m going to try and make the better choice in this and be happy instead of sad.
All I know is that I can’t keep living by staring off dolefully into the grey outside my window. This is my effort to change and find the blue skies that are hidden behind the clouds.