Disclaimer: If I’m being honest, then I’ll admit that this post may come across as selfish; still, it’s been on my mind for a while now and I’m writing it anyway. Just remember, this is a reflection of what’s in my head, not necessarily reality.
There are so many reasons that people elope these days. Financial concerns, oops we’re having a baby concerns, just want to keep it private concerns, decided to do it on a whim concerns, or just don’t want the big production concerns. I would like to think we’re past the days of looking down on people for eloping, but it often seems to me that we aren’t.
I still have a hard time admitting to myself that we eloped. Yet, there’s no other word for what we did. Quick marriage at the last minute under a courthouse tree, in order to get me on his orders so we could move to Germany.
When we made the decision to elope, even though it was always in our plans to still have a ceremony, we knew we were giving up a lot of things. Things like, having a time where our families happily focused just on us and our relationship or having the showers, parties, and other fun associated with a wedding. But we also gave up being forced to live on opposite continents for an undetermined amount of time.
We knew that going into the future that our ceremony would always take back seat to other concerns. Last summer it was my sister’s wedding and his brothers’ graduations. This year it will be his brother’s wedding. We will never get the chance to go back and have that occasion to ourselves.
When I took B home to meet my family, we gathered with a few of the relatives he hadn’t met for a dinner. That’s where my sister announced her engagement. Besides the perfunctory hellos, no one really talked to B and I after that. I’m not (as surprising as this may be) upset with my sister about it. When else was she going to see these relatives in person? And I can attest first hand that if they don’t get told the news when/the way they want to be told it that they’ll get mad at you. But I was sad that my relatives, who’d met my sister’s fiancee many times, couldn’t focus just a bit on being introduced to my husband. I was sad that no one even asked about throwing us a little party or shower. I was sad that we were just over looked.
When B’s brother Thing One told him that he was proposing, B jokingly told him that we had all of 2012 reserved. The first half for a potential deployment and the second half for our own wedding. It was clearly a joke. They all (Thing Two was on the phone as well) laughed about it. Fast forward two months and my MIL tells me that Thing One and (mainly) his fiancee were scared to tell us their wedding date for fear we’d be mad at them. She still hasn’t responded to the message I sent her about the issue.
Even more recently, we finalized our plans to go to MI for Christmas. We’ll be flying into Chicago and stopping for me to meet B’s grandparents and hopefully some Aunts and Uncles. Yes, we’ve been married for over a year and I still haven’t met his extended family. Thing One and his fiancee are not doing Christmas with our family, yet were planning to fly in to Chicago just overnight to see the same extended family at the same time. Now, I’m pretty sure she’s already met some of them, but this would be her first trip to see them as the newest fiancee.
Is it okay to admit that this upset me?
Does that make me a terrible person?
That just, for once, I’d like an event planned to focus on B and I to actually be able to be that?
They live stateside. Her wedding won’t be that far away. His family could travel to it if they wanted to. Even more, she’ll be able to go back to that area quite easily between now and the wedding. We won’t. Besides their wedding, we have no intention of coming back to the US while we’re living in Turkey. It’s too damnably expensive and too far away. It’s too hard for B to get leave and we’ll actually have to use that from here on out whenever we travel.
I don’t even care about the expenses, or the practicality, or the excuses. I’m just having a selfish day where I want an event that’s supposed to be about B and I to stay about us. Not Thing One and his fiancee, who already won’t let him spend Christmas with his family and they’re not even married yet.
I told you at the beginning this was a selfish post. But there it is. I’m resigned to not getting any kind of ceremony until 2014 at the earliest. And even that will depend what are follow on base is and all kinds of other concerns.
I get it, I do. We’re already married. People don’t really want to travel to watch us renew our vows. There are other couples who take precedence because they’re having a legitimate ceremony.
I swing back and forth between gleefully looking at dresses, picking ceremony sites, and day dreaming to being bitter and wanting nothing to do with weddings ever again. I wish I could find a happy medium.
I am so glad to be married to B. I am so glad that we didn’t wait. The life we lead together more than makes up for everything that we gave up.
But still, there’s a small part of me, that just wishes that people would give our relationship, our news, our plans as much weight as those who are just engaged.