B and I have a horrible habit. Truly, it’s scary and it’s unhealthy. It’s one of those things that subtly goes unmentioned when people are talking about happily ever after. But, it’s there, so I’m talking about it. It goes something like this:
B: So, what do want to do today?
Me: I don’t know what do you want to do?
B: I asked you first so you pick.
Me: But, I don’t know, you should at least give me options.
B: Fine, your options are play video games, just chill, or watch something.
Me: But that’s everything. Fine. I want to just chill.
Or like this:
Me: What do you want to do for lunch? (normally said while we’re out on base running errands)
B: I don’t know…
Me: Well, I don’t want to eat at Chili’s or Popeyes. But, I’m open to the BX or BK.
B: I don’t know…
B: *drives to BK*
This habit sadly started on our very first date. We met up at the zoo in SA and wandered around looking at all the cute animals. We held hands, hugged, and I dropped back to back Harry Potter and Douglas Adams references to guarantee a second date. We spent close to three hours at the zoo from 1400-1700…and then we talked until 2100 that night. We even got in his car once and drove around for 30 minutes. But we didn’t eat dinner. Neither one of us wanted to make such a simple suggestion as grabbing dinner together. So instead? We hung out in the parking lot just talking. (Okay, and maybe making out.)
Recently though, I’ve started to realize just how un-good this habit is. Namely, while I don’t want to state a preference between the BX and BK for lunch, it drives me nuts if he just decides without talking to me. Or that while he won’t say he cares between reading and playing a video game with me…he’s sort of hoping that I’ll pick the video game.
Hence, our newest phrase – Can we talk about this? Also manifested as – Can we have a conversation about this? Now we both state our preferences and work to a mutual agreement on things. It’s so healthy and grown up and almost makes me want to gag. I kid. Mostly.
Last night’s dinner conversation went like this:
Me: So…what are you thinking about dinner. (note: we were supposed to cook Chinese food last night)
B: I don’t really want Chinese.
Me: Oh good, I didn’t really want to cook it now either.
B: What else is in the house?
Me: I’m not sure, not a lot.
B: So what do you want to do for dinner?
Me: I already asked you that, can we talk about it?
B: Sure, I don’t really have a preference to anything.
Me: I don’t want to cook, but I’d be happy eating at Quda, Chili’s, or Pizza Hut.
B: All of those sound good to me, but I don’t really want to drive to K-town tonight.
Me: Okay, so no Pizza Hut then.
B: Yeah, I think I’d like to grab a doner at Quda’s and just eat it here.
Me: Sweet, that sounds good to me.
The differences are subtle. I left off the part where I nixed all the fast food options on base because I’m just tired of them. But, instead of one of us trying to force the other into making the decision about what we eat or do…we’re working as a team to come up with it. Maybe this isn’t a big problem for most couples, but it’s definitely something we run into on a regular basis. Neither one of us wants to rock the boat and we both have a strong dislike of changing plans…even when we don’t want to do what is planned.
I’m very hopeful that this new conversation tactic will start making it easier for us to decide what to do with our time. I’m also on a personal mission to actually state my preferences and not force my husband to try and guess them.