Last night as we were climbing into bed, B asked if I wanted to read our devotional. We did and it was about letting go of grudges and forgiving people. This led to a long conversation between us about forgiveness and holding grudges. I mentioned being worried about holding onto grudges with people. What B said in response surprised me.

He told me that I wasn’t holding onto grudges, because I was treating those who’d wronged me with kindness, but that I was holding on to my wounds. I was holding on to the pain and hurt. I won’t lie, I cried and cried. And I let go.

There was a weight that was holding me down. It was chaining my soul and chafing my spirit. It was shadowing all the good and lovely things and tinging them with bitterness and hurt.

It’s gone now. No, not gone. It’s healed over, the scab will probably itch and I know I’ll be tempted to pick it off. But it’s closed over now. There will always be that scar on my soul from the things that have been done, but I will not rub salt in my own wound. I will let it heal and move on – even if on is also away.

There’s this strange peace hanging about me right now. It’s suggesting that my sadness is behind me. Maybe it will return, but for now I am embracing the emptiness where the pain used to be and smiling. The weight has lifted.

~The Countess~


About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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3 Responses to Lifted

  1. Mary says:

    This is so powerful. Thank you for sharing this feeling – I love enlightening moments like this, complete with totally cleansing tears. ♥

  2. Shiny says:

    I just want to hug B – what a man you have! The gift of a good spouse is such an amazing thing – you know it’s right when you help each other grow and make the burdens lighter. You are so brave to move away from what hurts you… I love you and I miss you sooooo much!!!!

  3. I have a really similar habit, I don’t hate people ever but their actions can hurt me forever. It’s a hard one to break the cycle but be kind to yourself, it helps to remember to be kind to yourself if you are soft centered.

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