Disclaimer: We’re just going to assume that the relationships referenced here are abuse/cheating/nasty stuff free. So, anything talked about is outside of those parameters. If you are in a relationship suffering from any of that, you have my heartfelt sympathy, but I haven’t been there and therefore cannot say that what I’m writing here will have any meaning to you.
I talked awhile back about the Real Prince Charming. If you don’t want to go back and read it, the gist is that Prince Charming is a real man who makes mistakes, farts, leaves dirty dishes, and hogs the bed. At least, mine does. Sort of. I leave more dishes than he does, but that’s not the point.
I’ve always felt that it’s detrimental to put anyone, much less the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, on a pedestal. Because, pedestals are high and narrow and really damnably easy to fall off of. I figure that I have my flaws, so my guy will have his too. And trust me, we both do and we love each other for it regardless.
Anyway, this came out of a quote that a friend of mine retweeted a while back.
When B and I first started dating, we were long distance. I mean, we spent three whirlwind weeks in the same city and then committed to 1 weekend every 4-5 weeks together. We lived 1500 miles apart and both worked pretty demanding jobs. I worked so hard not to put him on a pedestal. But it happened anyway. We never fought. How could we? We communicated 98% by text due to our jobs and we saw each other only rarely. So whenever we saw each other not only were we on our best behavior, but we were in vacation mode too. Things were really easy.
And guess what? He still made me cry. Every time he left. Every time I left. I would bawl. And you’re probably thinking, but Countess those are good tears. And they are. Mostly. Tears of loneliness always hold some bitterness in them. Still, we were really lucky.
Fast forward to us getting engaged and married, that was a ten day whirlwind. Then we moved to Germany right at a month later. There were tears of joy, tears of frustration, and more tears of loneliness there. It took us until we’d been married for 3 months and together for just under 11 months to have our first fight. It was the first time I’d been disappointed in him. The first time I cried because he hurt my feelings. And truthfully? It wasn’t the last.
You see, whenever you get close to a person, something is going to come up. Whether it’s that they always leave the toilet seat up, they forget to call, they don’t buy you flowers, they forget your birthday, they don’t do the dishes/laundry/whatever like you asked, or they forget to tell you they still talk to their ex-girlfriend. And yeah, if you’ve never been in a serious relationship, those probably all seem like pretty small things. And honestly they are. But they build on each other.
Let’s just be straight with each other: your significant other will let you down. You will let them down. You will hurt each other. You will cry.
It’s important to expect this in a relationship. I’m not saying it should be all rocky – with breaks and break ups and get back togethers and more breaks and more reconciliations. I actually think it should be mostly smooth. But, that said, there will still be times that you don’t agree with each other. At all.
You will think you are right and he will think he is right. And you won’t want to budge. And neither will he. It might take you a few days to work through it to your satisfaction. It might take you a few months. You both have to be willing to give. You both have to be willing to see the other person’s point of view and try to work from it.
You have to accept that the other person will eventually make you cry in a way that doesn’t feel remotely good. Because it will happen. And if you expect it then you can be prepared to deal with it. And it will become a little wave instead of a capsizing one.
You aren’t perfect. Neither is he. Two flawed people will always find each other’s faults and bring them out in each other. Two people growing together will always find places where they don’t mesh as well as they thought they did. And you know what? That’s okay, because as long as they’re willing to work through it, they’ll come out stronger on the other side.
So don’t go looking for a man who will never make you cry. Go looking for the man that will hold you during, work through it with you, and make it up to you after. Because then you know that you can do the same thing when you hurt him.