I close my eyes, or perhaps they were never open to begin with, and just let the emptiness wash over me. No matter which way I turn it is silent. The darkness is comforting and familiar because it’s in my head. The darkness without was cold and unwelcoming. The silence is pervasive. No echoing sounds, no electronic hums, no mechanical whirs, just pure, total, and all-encompassing silence. The darkness is neither hot nor cold, all sense of touch fades away. I still my movement, slow my breath, and simply exist. I am drifting in the darkness of my own mind.

Alone with my thoughts, I tell myself that this is a good place. A quiet place where I can just be me. A serene place where no one can bother me but me. A place where I can be totally happy within myself. All else has been shed, only I remain.

It is a safe place. I cannot be seen and judged. I cannot be heard and ignored. I cannot be unloved and hurt.

In my heart, I try to lie to myself; but it falls harshly on my deaf ears.

The silence is now over-powering; the darkness overwhelming. Instead of sheltered, I feel smothered. Instead of secure, I feel restrained. I want escape, but can find no exit. I want to climb up from the pit, but can find no purchase.

I crave touch, warmth, light, and sound. I desire connection and conversation. I want to see and be seen. I want to hear and be heard. I want to touch and be touched.

In my heart of hearts I cry out, pleading for release. I rant and rave against the silences of my mind. My arguments drip off my own silenced lips and are met by the silence of my own cloistered mind.

I determine that I shall not be kept here. I cannot be contained. I can be freed.

I open my eyes to see. I open my ears to hear. I open my heart to love.

I am drifting still. But now I can find purchase in the wall to climb out. I can find the sliver of light to crawl towards. I can find the people to reach out to and hold on to.

The darkness has been banished. The silence has been shattered. I am me: broken, healing, hurting, and loving. 

I am worth being seen, heard, and loved.

~The Countess~


About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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3 Responses to Drifting

  1. Stereo says:

    This was very raw. I loved it. I hope everything is well, K!

  2. Shiny says:

    Absolutely beautiful and terrifying. Your writing is so poignant – it always stirs my heart
    Love you, Miss you.
    P.S. I want to meet Emo K!!!! :-D No wonder you and Sunny get along so well! <3

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