I’m so used to being the third/fifth/seventh wheel. Before I met B, I never had a relationship that lasted more than a month and a half. All of my friends always were in relationships, so it was often a couple of couples and me. I learned to roll with it. Some of the girlfriends in H-town and I had a shared signal for if I got uncomfortable in an evening. Mostly I just learned to drive myself places so that if the evening got to couple-y I could leave. I lived with a married couple and mainly had married friends in SA, so again, I knew how to handle it.
This weekend made me feel like a hanger-on novice. B and I went to visit his friend Sparky. (Sparky is an electrical engineer) These guys have been friends forever – they grew up together. They’ve also never hung out together with anyone else around unless it was a big group. Most particularly, they’ve never had girls around. Now, we visited Sparky back before we left the States and had a great time. I honestly had no worries going into this weekend. Sparky is here for 6 months with his job. I had some twinges of concern over losing B to a bunch of guy’s weekends, but honestly thought that my worries were baseless.
After this past weekend, I’m more concerned than ever. Possibly because I got uninvited from a trip we were supposed to take together, but mostly because Sparky very obviously resented my presence. He clearly wanted his friend to himself and was not happy that he couldn’t have that. Such as, B would leave the room to shower and Sparky would rebuff all of my attempts at conversation. It was strange.
Which now leaves me in a very uncomfortable place. Because, I have an open door policy for all of our friends – anyone can come stay with us. This includes Sparky. But now I’m worried that I’m going to get sidelined every time he comes around. I already know that this is happening for at least one trip in March.
I can accept B having a friend who doesn’t get along with me. I can accept not getting along with B’s friends and still having them visit. But I will not accept someone making me the third wheel in my own marriage.
B hadn’t realized how awkward I felt. For that matter it took awhile for him to realize why I was upset over the trip issue. He does get it now, but again, it leaves us both in an awkward position.
I try so hard when we’re out with single friends to not be too couple-y. Like, we’re very couple-y. We like our PDA just fine. But, I try to be more sensitive when we’re out with single friends. But, I expect the same treatment in return. I get that they have a long history together, that they’ve been friends for just about forever. But that doesn’t mean that he gets to even try to supplant my relationship with my husband. He may have prior claims, but he doesn’t have stronger ones.
It’s just a hard balance to strike for both B and me. He has to balance keeping the friendly door open with not letting this guy try and come between us. I have to make him feel welcome even when he doesn’t return the favor.
Hopefully it will have been a fluke thing. Hopefully getting settled here in Germany will help this friend to settle in and not be super possesive of his friends.