Blocked

There’s so much I want to talk about. So much I want to let out of me. So much that I want to say. It’s all tripping me up right now. I’ve started a half dozen blog posts in the last two days alone and none of them will get finished or posted. I’m having a hard time saying what I want to say. I think the issue is that I’m not saying some stuff because I’m ashamed of my thoughts and I don’t want to hurt feelings. But, because I have blocked that off, I’ve blocked off my ability to say a lot of things.

In bullet points:

  • B and I are buying a car. I finally “let” him talk “me” into not buying a beater – translation: I didn’t want an unreliable car but let him prove to himself that it didn’t make sense by forcing him to prove it to me. It worked, we’re now looking for a nicer car that we’ll ship back to the US at the end of our tour here. I wish I was more excited, but, I’m not really. I hate that we’re spending the money.
  • I’m allergic to the water in Germany. Seriously. Ever since we moved here I’ve been having mild stomach problems. After being issue free over our trip to Texas, we guessed that it was the water messing me up. It was. Hello stable digestion, why yes I will by bottled water to keep you around. It’s a nice feeling to not feel nauseous at every meal.
  • I’m worried about B deploying. I’m worried about living alone in a foreign country with no support system. I’m writing a post about it that will get finished when I find the courage to say what needs to be said. I’m scared and I don’t like being scared.
  • B was sick this past weekend, which is a bummer because it looks like this was the end of our “Indian Summer” and we’re headed back to cold and snow over the next few days. I’m not excited about this. Quite the opposite, I’m pissed off actually. Snow makes it very hard for me to get to my students for lessons. Especially since I hate driving in it. We did make it to Ikea on MLK Day, but that was it. All our other plans turned into me fighting him to take meds and drink fluids. Needless to say, I didn’t feel like I had a weekend.
  • We fought about cleaning today. Cleaning. Because I had 2 hours before I had to be at work and he nixed car shopping and going to base as too stressful because they’d cause me to be rushed to getting to teach. Then he decides we should clean the apartment because our major clean up didn’t happen on Sunday while he was sick. I felt bad because I hadn’t cleaned – something about having to do all the extra work involved in taking care of a sick person didn’t make me want to do a deep clean at the same time.
  • I need friends. I have no one to grab lunch with. No one to have over for a movie and chitchat. No one to even make cookies with. I feel alone and cut off. B has a friend moving here in less than two weeks, which means he’ll have someone to do guy things with and I don’t want him not going because he doesn’t want to leave me alone. I also don’t want them feeling like I have to tag along. I’m worried and frustrated about it all. Some of the moms of my students invite me to do things but it’s always weekday lunches – right when I start teaching.
  • SM and WW are…not going to work out like I’d hoped. I think SM wants us all to be friends but WW just isn’t interested. They uninvited me from picking them up from the airport the other day. B had asked several times about space and they’d assured him everything would fit and then day of they texted to say there wouldn’t be room for me. Now they want us to all go to Bern or Amsterdam together – only they want to go in the middle of the week. I know I’m the only one who works a real job, but, I mean, come on. Why can’t we pick at least one weekend day so that I’m not cancelling all my lessons. Which I won’t do. The three of them can go without me. And sometimes B isn’t good at telling them no.
  • We’re thinking of maybe hopping a quick cruise when we’re home in May. Inbetween graudations and weddings. We have just over a week of spare time, so we’ll see. It all depends on whether B can get enough leave or not. Otherwise it’s over for the graduation and then I stay alone for the wedding.
  • I have so many pent up emotions right now that I wish I could let out. But there’s no one to tell them too and so they stay pent up inside of me.

~The Countess~

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About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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5 Responses to Blocked

  1. Stereo says:

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling isolated and blocked off, K. I know how hard it is to be in a place where you don’t really know too many people. If you’d like to talk/vent, seriously, drop me an email. I might not be a fount of knowledge but I am a good listener. Please feel better :)

  2. emjaye says:

    A girl definitely needs girlfriends. You have me, but I hope you find local ones soon! Men are such babies when they’re sick! You’re a saint for taking care of him, I wouldn’t have nearly as much patience for a grown man refusing to take medicine!

  3. Karie says:

    My heart goes out to you K. I can’t imagine being in your position and you are so strong for being where you are. I hope you make some girl friends soon and find things to do to take up your time in Germany. We’re praying for you here, know that you are loved.

  4. Shiny says:

    I’m so sorry, love. I was overwhelmed just reading about all of that, I can’t imagine how you must feel… I wish I was there to hug you and help carry your burdens. Skype/email/message me.
    Love you, Miss you.
    <3,
    M

  5. Sunny says:

    K, I’m so sorry you’re so alone. There’s a big whole in my heart that can somewhat sympathize. I know God won’t leave you in this situation forever. Love you. So much.

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