It’s funny, because, when I first started Reverb10 I was all excited to reflect on the last year because it’s been the best year of my life. Now, that’s still true, but throughout this process I’ve come to realize that this year has been filled with a lot of hurt too. Hurt that I glossed over at the time because I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want it to mar my perfect year. And yet, the hurts have been hiding lurking underneath my happiness eroding and undermining my emotional stability.
I’ve been avoiding the hurts by pretending they aren’t there. I’ve been avoiding the pain by not confronting the people who caused them. I haven’t been willing to go up to anyone and tell them how they hurt my feelings and why. Well, that’s not quite true, but I haven’t been willing to stick with it until the behaviors changed. I’ve been working on a post about my acceptance of my inability to change people, and yet, B is right when he tells me that my version of acceptance looks more like giving up. I’m giving up on their ability to change. I’m stealing their ability to even try and change by not even giving them a chance.
I’ve avoided telling anyone that it hurts when all they want to do is tell me their problems and they don’t want to celebrate my happiness with me. I’ve avoiding telling anyone that dumping all their problems on me without letting me share some of my burden is destroying my desire to be friends with them. I’ve avoided telling anyone that their lack of communication has hurt me. I’ve avoided telling anyone that I don’t like the status quo and that I want it to change. I’ve avoided telling anyone that I’m not happy with a way a situation has been handled. I’ve avoided taking responsibility for my part in any of it.
I know now that I have been avoiding all of this, but, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about it. When my hormones are acting up then I’m all gung-ho for confronting people yet when they’re in a normal range I’m much more likely to let it go. I do feel that a large part of it is mine to let go, but I also want to give people a chance to be willing to change and become a happier part of my life.
So am I going to keep avoiding or build towards confrontation? I’m not sure yet. Some of it I know I won’t be able to ignore for much longer. Some of it I’m pretty sure that I can just accept that it’s how it’s going to be. It’s the rest of it that I still have to figure out.