Healing and I aren’t on a speaking basis right now. It isn’t running on my schedule so I don’t want to speak to it. I figure that if it isn’t doing it’s job than I shouldn’t have to communicate with it. Period.
I’ve been doing a lot of pretending recently. Pretending to not be lonely so that I don’t feel the sting of losing friends to time and distance. Pretending that everything’s okay when people talk to me because they don’t have the time or energy to hear how things really are sometimes. Pretending that I’m not bothered by situations when I am. Pretending like I’m over a hurt when I’m not.
Of course, I’m aware that the pretending halts my healing process. It’s not like I can actually get over having hurt feelings when I’m busy pretending they aren’t there. Rather, the hurt just keeps piling up. Which makes it harder to heal.
I’m working towords letting go, accepting, and healing. The first two are another post coming very soon. But they precipitate healing. I can’t heal until I let go of the wounds. Until I accept that I cannot change people.
I think that I’ve been living with wounds inflicted by people close to me for a large part of my life. And perversely enough, I think I’ve learned to like the way it feels to be hurt – emotionally, not physically. I have a hard time letting go. Therefore I have a hard time healing. Therefore I’m not on good terms with healing right now.