Warning: this post may not be suitable for the delusional, the hopeless romantic, the sensitive of stomach, or any male.
They tell us all about how wonderful Prince Charming is. He’s handsome, debonair, a good dancer. He takes you out and is super considerate of your every whim. Right up until there’s no going back. And then he becomes real. And let me tell you, sometimes, the real prince charming has a slightly tarnished crown, but I wouldn’t take him any other way. That said, I have to share some dark truths about the real prince charming.*
The real prince charming doesn’t put the toilet seat down. He has a plethora of excuses, but the fact is that the toilet seat down will never cause him to fall in at 0200 like it will for you. My recommended fix: Always look before you sit.
The real prince charming farts. There’s no hiding it. Not when you have to open the car windows or evacuate the room. My recommended fix: Don’t. Then you can just blame him when you’re farting.
The real prince charming expects you to clean up after him like his Mom or his maid. Dishes, laundry, general messiness. My recommended fix: Just talk to him about it. Sometimes it’s a simple lack of awareness issue on his part. One conversation can result in him doing half of the laundry and surprising you with a clean kitchen.
The real prince charming hogs the covers and sometimes the rest of the bed. Falling off the bed is not a cool way to wake up, especially when it’s high off the ground. Snuggling with prince charming afterwards and making him feel guilty about it is a pretty fair trade though. My recommended fix: take full advantage of having cold feet. Put them on his legs. He’ll pull away from you which will result in you having more of the bed. He’ll also give you covers in the vain hope that this will solve your cold feet problems.
The real prince charming is pickier than a four-year-old when it comes to eating. Vegetables are the evil enemy. Meat and potatoes are about the only safe component to a meal. Salad means iceburg lettuce with tomatoes and cucumbers. Cooked vegetables have to be peas or asparagus. Covering things in cheese will help. Making it so he can dip it in ranch also helps. He will tell you that he prefers jarred spaghetti sauce to your homemade version. And probably not understand why that upsets you or why you won’t make spaghetti from scratch anymore. My recommended fix: Take the easy way out. Spaghetti is ready much faster if you use premade sauce. Fix the veggies you know he’ll eat for him and then spoil yourself with good ones for you. Make him take a multi-vitamin too.
The real prince charming plays video games. And he plays them alot. He might confuse you by teasing hard core gamers, but, he is one himself except in name. He’ll often want you to play with him. My recommended fix: Play with him but insist on drinking while doing so. He’ll be very happy with that trade off. Or don’t play with him and enjoy the time to read your blogs, blog about him, send emails, get a pedicure or otherwise enjoy some you time. There is nothing wrong with a little downtime in a relationship and video games are the perfect time for that to happen.
The real prince charming is handsy. Especially when he drinks. He’ll also talk all about you to his friends. The drunker he is the more crazily complimentary it will get. My recommended fix: Give him his drinks. Dress provocatively. And then dodge his contact all evening. It’s fun torture. And cheap entertainment. Only downside could be having nightmares that your prince charming is a zombie chasing you around the house. It feels very real when he regularly chases you around. Still, the compliments are a good thing just be sure to be there to edit or quiet him up if he starts getting too detailed with why he likes you.
The real prince charming will sleep until 1100 every morning if he can. Yeah, most have jobs that prevent this, but, some don’t. They like to stay up late in order to drink and play video games. Then they wonder why they can’t get out of bed the next morning. So do you, since you stay up with him and still beat him up most mornings. My recommended fix: Take advantage of the quiet time in the morning. You can shower without him harassing you. You can get your hair and make up done with out him asking when you’ll be done. You can totally poo in the toilet and not have to endure any comments on the smell. Or stay in bed with him and cuddle. That will wake him up earlier and make you both happy.
The real prince charming has no idea how to get there. But, he’ll pretend like he does anyway. You may think this is a cliche and it is. It’s also true. This can be especially scary in foreign countries where the roads are strange and the rules are stranger. My recommended fix: Do yourself a favor and buy him a GPS. It’s a cool and trendy gadget so he’ll like it. You won’t be lost so you’ll like it. That or buck gender roles and volunteer to drive. It’ll save you a headache and maybe some stress as well.
The real prince charming is full of advice. Have a bad day? You should work out. Your computer isn’t working? You should try this. Making dinner? Be sure to cook it this way. Never mind that you’re cranky because you’re PMSing, your computer is down due to a fried mainboard, and he’s never cooked anything that wasn’t prepackaged and microwavable. My recommended fix: Just laugh it off. He really does mean well. He has your best interest at heart, he just doesn’t always know how to help you. At least he’s trying.
The real prince charming is a real guy. He’s not some fake stereotype. He’s flawed. He’s annoying. This is a good thing, because of course, you aren’t the perfect princess either. His flaws compliment yours. I’ll take my real prince charming, flaws and all over a “perfect” guy any day. My prince charming is perfect as he is. He’s real and I wouldn’t have him any other way.
*All of these stereotypes are based off of my experiences with Prince Charming. Which are quite limited. And yes he’s taken. And no I don’t share. Go get your own.