Upside down and all around.
I’m struggling tonight. I’ve been struggling this whole week. I’m on an emotional rollercoaster and I want off. One minute I’m all excited about making trailer reservations for moving. And the next I’m trying not to cry because I don’t have a job up there yet. I haven’t even moved. And I feel like I’m letting myself down. Just because I haven’t already succeeded. I don’t already have a job. And then I remind myself that I’m being ridiculous. But, it’s still there.
Up and down. Up and down.
I feel ill and it has nothing to do with any physical feelings. But my nerves are making it hard for me to concentrate, hard to enjoy anything. Hard to not cry. And then I’m being moody with B. He says that I’m hardly being that way and that it’s all fine. But it’s hard to feel like I’m making things harder on him. He’s already having a hard enough time with work being so crazy right now.
This separation has been the hardest. I don’t know if it’s because it’s all almost over, so I’m dealing with all of those emotions. I’m excited to move, but, there’s also so much pressure with this move. I have to get a job, I’m leaving everyone I know except for B. And I’m so ready to do it. I haven’t felt this up in the air since the summer before I moved to college. Then I had panic attacks. I’ve managed to stay just below that so far this time around. Though I did toss and turn hard enough the other night that I pulled a corner of my sheets off of my bed.
Around and around we go, where we stop no one knows.
So I get excited. And then I become nervous. Then I fight back the tears. And then I’m all excited and ready to go again.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m never doubting my decision to move. That is one of the few things that feels right. Knowing that I’ll finally get to be with B full time is, relieving, huge, and amazing. The problem is in still be separated from him right now. In my being a pumice-bear right now. In his working a minimum of 15 hour days starting at 0400 every day for a week straight. So he’s going to bed really early. Which is not helping my feeling lonely right now.
I hate the physical distance between us. It feels like it’s shredding my soul into tiny little pieces. I haven’t seen him in 17 days. I don’t see him for 16 more days. The hardships that come with being long distance are sometimes difficult to bear. They’re compounded by my pumice-bear state and his current work schedule.
I know that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. The end of July is a huge bright spot. Now to just dodge the train that’s hiding in the tunnel and to not let my insecurity get the best of me.
I’m getting off the crazy train. I hope.