Laying it all on the line

Airing dirty laundry has always been socially unacceptable. Think about it – you run in to an acquaintance – they ask you how you are, you tell them you’re fine, and they say the same. Regardless of how either of you really are. Because, you don’t want to air your dirty laundry in public. You aren’t supposed to. We’re all supposed to be fine. Even when we’re really all barely mucking along. It’s like it’s inappropriate to be having a hard time with life.

Screw all of that. Why do we try so hard to pretend that everything is hunky-dory when it isn’t? Like, having a sucky period in life makes you a bad person? Where  the hell did that come from? It’s okay for things to not be okay. This is the conclusion I’ve come to.

My blogging has been non-existent practically since I moved because things have been varying degrees of not okay. I don’t say anything, because there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. And yet, it is okay for me to not be okay. Even with everything that is going right in my life – it’s okay for me to still not be having an easy time.

Don’t get me wrong – the jobs are great. I know how fortunate I am to have not one, but two, jobs that fit who I am as well as I do. But, when you feel like the only thing in your life that is going right is your job…well, then, you know how I’ve been.

The “problems” or the “not right things” probably wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar for many people. But for me, they’re sources of non-happiness. My personal life is shot. What’s that quote from The Devil Wear’s Prada? Something about, let me know when your personal life has gone to hell…it means it’s time for a promotion.

Anyways,  my dirty laundry is this:

– I dated an ass. Not the first time, probably won’t be the last. But, it sucks. He lied multiple times all while telling me he’d always be honest with me. And, why do guys think they can actually successfully date multiple girls at the same time? Best thing that came out of it was a song.

– Most of my friends are married. I am not. I am not even dating anyone. This sucks on several levels. Either, they invite you to do something and you’re the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel. Or, they don’t invite you because they don’t want you to be the odd person out. Which, means you are the odd person out. Or, they just try to set you up with the only single people they know. Even if you aren’t compatible. Or you go out with only the girls and they only talk about their husbands, or sex, or going home to their husband, or, well, you get the idea. It gets old. What happened to talking about movies, jobs, current happenings, religion, politics? Because really, I don’t want every trip out to include a discussion of your sex life. Or how much you love your husband. Even though I’m glad you do. And of course, we can’t forget the whole making plans only to bail because they have a date with their spouse or whatever. What happened to the girl code that you never bailed on your friends for a guy? This has happened three or four times in the last two weeks. It gets old.

So yeah, I have two great jobs that are running me into the ground. I love them, but I am exhausted at the end of every day. And, I am lacking the support network to recharge. I’ve often felt invisible – like, if I’m not in the room with you – you’ll forget that I’m there. I feel that I’m very invisible here in SA. I have a purpose in my job and none in my own life. Hopefully I’ll find my footing soon, but, I’m done with ignoring the problems in my life. I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. This is one of the few places where I can be me. So here I am – it’s all out on the line.

~The Countess~


About texancountess

I find myself in the calming roar of the sea, floating gently on the foam of the breaking waves. Blue. Green. Gray. The colors of the sea mark the boundaries of my soul. The tumbled glass finds its polish under the relentless pounding of the waves upon the shore. Thus am I. Rough transitioning to polish, refinement ever a process, finding my niche in the storms of life.
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One Response to Laying it all on the line

  1. Will says:

    Hey Kendra, I am glad you felt comfortable enough to be honest. Let me know if Jen or others are coming to SA for a visit (or if they are not we should plan one). Hope the friend sitchenario gets better!

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