A few weeks ago at church, God broke me. Our current sermon series is on Walking with Jesus and this particular sermon was on the things that impede our walk with God. It’s taken me awhile to even be able to write about it. I spent the entire service in tears. The four things listed in the sermon that impede our walk with God are:
I want to look at these in order and talk about them as Pastor Jon did and as they relate to me.
Our pride keeps us from admitting to God that we need help. Denial is a form of pride. Our pride tells us that we don’t need to seek God’s forgiveness and even that we don’t need to walk with him. Even if we are walking with him, it keeps us from admitting how badly we need him. This can be true for me. I do know that I need a savior, but too often I tell myself that I’ve been saved and that I don’t need to do any more. I let my pride carry me away from God. It tells me that I “know enough” and that I don’t need to read my Bible. And so my pride carries me away from my God.
Pastor Jon also phrased this one as unforgiveness. It’s when we let our resentment of the things that have happened to us carry us away from God. This is one that I really do struggle with. Especially combined with fear. Forgiving others is so much about freeing our hearts to love and be loved again. And, when we hold on to resentment, it holds on to us and destroys us. I have allowed my resentment to become a shield. I don’t want to lower it because I don’t want to be hurt again (that fear thing again). I do hold on to resentment from the way others have treated me. I resent being left out and being excluded. The problem is that this colors my perspective of everything that happens now. I see rejection when there is none, simply because there has been rejection before.
Such a strong feeling. A primal one. We’re taught that perfect love casts out fear. Fear keeps out God’s love. Fear operates in the abscence of trust. I struggle with trusting God. If others have hurt and abandoned me and God has allowed this to happen, why should I trust him? I took this to my pastor. I asked him to pray with me to be able to trust God and forgive the past hurts. Because, this fear has crippled me spiritually for too long.
Sin is an interesting word. It comes from a Greek archery term that means to miss the mark. So, big or little, it doesn’t matter. Missing the mark is missing the mark whether you miss by an inch or a mile. For me, this isn’t much of a struggle. I know that I am a sinner and that I need God’s forgiveness.
My two big impediments are the resentment and the fear. And God broke me over them. The last couple of weeks have been amazing. I haven’t started reading my Bible three times a day or anything, but, I feel so much lighter. The burden that I’ve been clinging too has been stripped away from me. And it still hurts, I still struggle with it, but God is carrying it for me now. And that makes all the difference.