Pretty much everyone I know is pregnant. Or just had a baby. Every couple (and some single friends) from Turkey either had their first kid in the last year or is currently pregnant. I know it’s the stage of life, but it’s still a touch jarring.
All the announcements have caused a bit of an identity crisis for me. We aren’t remotely close to a decision of yes or no on kids. Much less planning to have one anytime soon. I do worry about being left behind. Or missing out on something that everyone seems to get.
But I don’t have baby fever. All year, I have had puppy fever though. Every time someone would announce a pregnancy I would get a craving for a puppy. Which is good since we got one last month.
He’s been so much fun. He plays and runs and makes love to us all. He’s figured out the bell to get outside and I’m hoping that means we’re over the hump of house breaking. We’ll test it out this weekend when we take him up to Bakersfield.
I’m not going to pretend the last month has been anything other than a rollercoaster. It was tough while B was gone, great to be in Texas, tough to leave, great to spend time with a friend, and now we’re diving headlong into opposite shift schedules. Mostly I’m glad the big separation is behind us for another year. Maybe next year I’ll have better coping mechanisms in place.
one We had the final set of shutters installed while B was gone. We diy’ed the majority of the house, but these three windows were in the stairwell of the second to third floor and we deemed them too high to do on our own. It was totally worth it to pay for installation. And I’m so glad we have them. They help keep the house cooler and it’s nice to not worry about anyone staring in after dark.
two Loki stayed with my inlaws starting Labor Day weekend. And my gosh was it too quiet around here without him. That last week at home was the worst by far and I think the biggest factor there was being completely alone. We were so ready to get him back that we made the four hour round trip to get him the day after we flew back from Texas. It was chaos but we sure were glad to get him back.
three Speaking of puppies and chaos, we adopted a new puppy yesterday. His name is Thor and he’s an eight week old golden retriever. We weren’t really planning on bringing home another dog, but he stole our hearts and our brains at the same time. He’s adorable and I can’t wait to spend more time with him.
four It’s been a rough couple of weeks for running. Texas and it’s humidity took it out of me. Then we came home and visited with a friend which involved more alcohol and less sleep than it should have. We won’t touch the SoCal heatwave. It’s hot for us and that’s our only frame of reference. Finally, night shift has always screwed up my runs. But, my theme is no excuses so it’s time to get back at it. No matter what.
five It’s been absolutely magical having this guy back home. I missed him a lot. Having my partner in crime back is the best.
Some nights you are home alone and rocking it. You walk the dog, eat a salad, and revel in your brief foray into singledom. You binge watch your favorite shows and barely notice the echoing silence in your home.
Some nights you cry while talking to your husband as you drive home. Missing him hurts and you’re tired of doing it. The future of night shifts and opposite schedules and too much alone time looms over you. It’s all you can do to get in the door, poor a drink, and fill the empty hours.
Some nights you bask in staying up late. Your schedule is so flexible that you keep hours far beyond what’s socially normal. You almost frolic in being awake for hours after the rest of the world has dropped into slumber.
Some nights the loneliness closes in on you when you least expect it. You aren’t even home and everyone you know is asleep. You miss heart to heart talks and just having someone on the other end of the line. The tv fills the room with sound that is void of the soul you desperately crave.
Some nights you delight in all the places you’ve called home over the last few years. You remember all of the highs and happiness with friends. The photos elicit smiles, laughter, and so many memories. Nothing can ever be empty because you are so full of a life well lived.
Some nights you are so homesick that it hurts. The silence is oppressive and even the dog won’t cuddle you. You miss places you’ll probably never see again and people that are scattered all around the world. Gathering them all together will never happen, so you will always miss someone and somewhere. Because you aren’t missing certain places or people, you’re missing the way they made you feel.
Some nights are easy. Some nights are impossibly hard. And they all come together to make up this messy reality we call life.
I used to be a strong, independent woman. I spent my days working and my nights out with friends. And then I met B. When we dated long distance, we both still maintained a lot of independence. That was easy since we were on opposite ends of the country most of the time.
Six years of marriage with at least six different places called home later, we’ve learned to lean. We rely on each other. We consider each other when making decisions. Which isn’t to say we’ve always gotten it right.
While we lived overseas, our codependency was unhealthy. We had all the same friends, did everything together, and honestly it just wasn’t healthy. We both know that. I do think we’ve found a balance now. We lean on each other, but we aren’t trying to be everything for each other.
Which is to say that this next month is going to be tough. He’s out of town for the next 25 days (26 counting today, but I’m the only one doing that). I have good plans in place, but it’s hard to not have my partner in crime. We lean really well, time to see how we do on our own for a month.
I hate saying goodbye. Hate it. It is my single least favorite thing to do. To the point that when my husband kisses me goodbye in the wee hours of the morning, I tell him to be safe and come home. I tell him that I love him. But I don’t say goodbye.
The military has a saying that we don’t say goodbye, we say see you later. Goodbye is so final. And no one wants final.
B leaves tomorrow to go serve his IMA commitment for the year. It’s a fancy reserves type where he does his whole year in one month. He got a great location, USAFA, but due to timing and how busy he’ll be, I will be staying behind while he enjoys Colorado.
Which loops back to me hating goodbyes. Which a see you later is, no matter how much we don’t want it to be. I’m trying to soak up as much as I can, without adding the pressure of this being the last time we can do X for a month. But it’s not easy.
I’m not sure if I’ll say goodbye tomorrow or not. But I will tell him to be safe, to come home, and that I love him. And I’ll start counting down until I get to see him again.
Yesterday was our sixth wedding anniversary. Sixth. Where did the time go?
B asked me if that means we no longer count as crazy newlyweds. I don’t even know anymore. We’ve decided that since it’s only been two years since our vow renewal, that we can still claim newlywed status.
We spent yesterday doing chores. His car had to go to the shop. I had to go to work. The dog needed to be walked. Lunch was at Red Robin, dinner picked up from the counter at the grocery store. And it couldn’t have been a more perfect celebration.
Life and love are in the every day moments. Once in a lifetime trips are amazing, but they don’t build the foundation of life. They can’t. Going through a normal day, doing errands, and still loving and living? That’s where life occurs.
In six years, we’ve had a lot of once in a lifetime opportunities. But we’ve had even more life. Hard days full of tears. Boring days full of the mundane. Happy days full of laughter. Exciting days spent exploring. And, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Well, B is a week in to his two months off of regular work. And we’ve got just over a week left until he’s gone for a month. We’re trying to squeeze in as much as we can before he heads off to Colorado.
one We headed down to Huntington Dog Beach this morning for a run and some fun. Loki loves this beach. I, typically, kind of hate it for running. We haven’t gone in quite some time, but I always feel slow and like every step is a fight. Today we changed two things up, first we went later so that the tide was further out and second, we ran barefoot. It made such a difference. We’ll pretend that’s what did it and not the last couple of months of training.
two Loki and I hung out on the patio this week while B was inside with a contractor taking care of our last big house expense. At least until I decide I really do want quartz countertops. We installed plantation shutters on all but four windows last year. The patio doors have curtains and there were three windows in the second floor stairwell that we just let be. Now that the neighbor units are finished we’ve decided we want them done. And, since we would need at least a 22 foot ladder to reach the top window, we’re letting the professionals do this one.
three I’ve had a rough few weeks. I applied for an awesome job and made it to the final interview round as one of two candidates. And then didn’t get it. I think this is the first time I’ve ever not gotten a job. I’ve been struggling a bit with teaching motivation since then. Yesterday, I received a boost in the form of a strange compliment. A student’s relative is an adjudicator for a testing system and they determined that he’s well advanced for his age/study time and must have an awesome teacher. I’m super grateful the mom decided to pass this on to me. It definitely helped me get my groove back.
four This dog, y’all. He really is all about that water. Today he was all over the ocean, jumping waves and then running from them. Last Sunday he was not pleased when our trails only let him see the water. Sometimes I feel guilty that he doesn’t have a pool here at home, then I’m glad that I don’t have to constantly have a wet dog.
five As I mentioned above, B is heading out next week. He’s off to serve his active duty commitment for the USAF Reserves. I am not looking forward to it. Plus, when he gets back he’ll have roughly two weeks before he transitions back to night shift. The last round of nights was super rough on us as a couple. We’re working hard to enjoy the time we have before he’s gone and also set things up for a better outcome when he goes back on nights. In a way, I’m glad the other job fell through as my hours are much more flexible now.