Cry

There’s a meme that tells you to only marry someone who ruins your lipstick and not your mascara. I hate it. Because, in life? You will hurt the person you love most and they will hurt you. 

What matters is what you do after hurting each other. 

My husband inadvertently hurt me today. He didn’t mean to. But a series of texts indicated one thing when he meant another. I cried. We both yelled. And he told me he was sorry. 

The specifics honestly don’t matter.

The reality is, spending life with someone means you will hurt them. Disappoint them. Let them down. 

You will cry. So will they. And that’s ok. 

There are blessings in tears. 

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Run for a Dream

I remember that it was one of those days that is sticky and warm, but not overwhelmingly hot. We were out walking the dog in the empty corporate parking lot across from our apartment complex. I remember that I was just back from Texas and my sister’s baby shower. But I don’t remember what exactly prompted the conversation.

I know there had to have been a precipitating event. A fight, a late day of work for B, something had to have happened. One of my biggest faults is truly that I will sacrifice and put myself last, all while resenting it until something happens that makes me explode. It is not an attractive fault.

All I remember is walking the parking lot while Loki darted too and fro, and telling B that I needed a hobby. I needed something that wasn’t tied up in him. Little did I know that we would shortly be buying a house and moving and I would have that to consume me. And I’m so grateful for that.

Instead, I decided to sign up for a half marathon. I couldn’t even run three miles without needing a break. But I wanted the commitment of running 13.1. I wanted something that would be good for me in both body and spirit. I had no idea how big it would be.

I run now when I’m stressed. I run when I’m sad. I run when I’m angry. I run when I’m frustrated at the third day of three with multiple hours of over time. I run when I’m happy and can’t sit still. I run when things are good and when they’re bad. I run for me. I run for us.

Something I’ve noticed, is that both B and I drop the things we love when we swing toward depression. We quit reading, quit moving, quit doing what makes us happy. And we become less happy people to be around. Which makes our marriage less happy.

Me care is we care. Taking time for myself makes me a better partner. When I run, when I see my girlfriends, when I make myself happy, I have more to give. This shouldn’t be revolutionary or new, and yet.

Running is a firm part of my identity now. I couldn’t be happier that a frustrated, most likely tear-filled, parking lot conversation has turned into one of the best decisions of my life. It’s jump started a lot of self care that I didn’t even know that I needed.

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Money Guilt

I have huge issues surrounding spending money. Guilt over purchases. Anxiety over bank account balances. Panic over budgets. Spending money makes me feel sick to my stomach. Adding it up is worse, hence why budgets make me a bit panicky.

Some of it stems from my childhood. We didn’t have a lot of extra money growing up, which is the polite way of saying we were poor. I’m still not sure how Mom did it. Because while I always knew money was tight, I never knew how tight until much later.

A huge part of it came from my final year of grad school. My university had messed up, given me too much money in the fall under the guise of an increased grant. When they realized their mistake, they cut my spring allotment by almost two thousand dollars. Late at night, when I couldn’t sleep, I would add the money in my account up, subtract rent, add this paycheck, subtract that bill, add, subtract, add, subtract around and around in my head. I could do the mental math from January to May and it wasn’t good. I ended up leaving the day after I finished my last test. I made it to my friend’s house with less than 50 dollars free and clear in my name.

I thought I had recovered by just having more money until I got married. We moved overseas and had a joint account for expenses. We both wanted to keep our income separate and just share into an account for groceries and bills. Only problem was that I was unemployed. And I kept having to remind my new husband to put money in so I could bike to the base to buy groceries. The guilt crept in quickly and insidiously latched on to me.

I feel like I should make it clear that my husband has never made me feel guilty over how much or how little I have earned. Nor has he ever done anything to make me feel like I can’t spend money. This is all in my head.

Switching to a fully joint account system made things better. But still, I struggle with feeling guilty over purchasing a swim suit. Or shoes. I had major anxiety when we bought the house over everything money related.

Budgeting has actually been the biggest help. I’ve been able to see how much money we do have for discretionary spending each month. It doesn’t fully dampen the feelings, but it definitely gives me ammunition to launch back at my own brain.

Mostly though? I’m learning to refuse to engage with myself. This is true over a lot of things. Anxiety over what will people think about me? Nope, not happening. Guilt over purchasing those killer shoes? Not today self. Panic over how much money is in the bank? Here’s the spreadsheet brain, fuck off.

It’s empowering. I’m learning. Because frankly? I’m tired of cycling through guilt and needing permission to buy things. I just want to buy the cute dress because I want it and we can afford it. Life isn’t the way it was when I learned my anxiety around money, so it’s time for me to unlearn it.

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Bibliophile


We first bonded over books. Pretty much anyway. Our first meeting was at a country western bar. Our first date was at the zoo. B says he knew he had to have a second date when I dropped Douglas Adams and Harry Potter references about five minutes apart in the reptile house at said zoo.

Our second date was at a bookstore. We met up after work and wandered the aisles touching books. This one made me laugh, this one was pivotal to my growing up, this is my favorite book ever.

I’m not sure now how many books we pulled out and discussed. I’m not sure how many hours we spent there. More than we should have probably. For sure for him, he had a test at an ungodly early hour, like 0200 or 0300 early but still he talked to me until the store closed. We each left with a book the other had recommended. I suppose it was no surprise that he loaned me his favorite book before he left – books were our first shared love.

Combining our collections was an art. Even now we still find duplicate books. Each story is filled with so much more than just the words on the page. The memories we’ve made with these books, they’re imprinted on the pages.

Our books haven’t been unpacked and organized for almost two years. I didn’t know I needed it, but seeing the books lining the shelves and touching our old friends, has finally made this place feel like home.

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Five for Friday v. 32


one This bad boy landed on my doorstep yesterday. My search for a bar stretches back to 2012, when we moved to Turkey. Everyone had custom built furniture, us included. But we skipped the bar. Since we bought the house, it’s been my number one search. Only to finally find a perfect piece on Zulily this week. It blends what B and I both like in furniture. If you’ve shopped with Zulily, then you know their shipping normally takes forever. In this case, I needed that time to get the house rearranged to fit this piece. Instead, I now have to rearrange while resisting the temptation to bust into the box and put this beauty together. 


two It’s been a week of running around here. Deciding to pursue running every day in May has been great for me so far. Today’s long run of four miles felt much easier than recent runs of that length. Even if it’s only a mile, moving more has definitely helped. Where I struggle is trusting my training plan. I want to run as fast as I can for every second of every mile. The problem being that I hit a wall after mile two and end up walking. Today I fought myself to slow down and ended up with an excellent run. There’s probably a life lesson there, but I’ll just focus on the running one – trust the training plan. 


three Loki has gotten really funny about our schedules. He knows when we’re going for runs and when he gets to come. He knows which days B will be working. But he hates days that I work. Since B leaves so early, Loki doesn’t really pay attention. But I typically don’t leave until mid afternoon. Which means Loki is in full home mode with us both and he gets quite agitated when I go to leave. Lots of heaving sighs and grumps more in line with a teenager than a dog. He’s pretty cute. 


four We ordered new Kindles about a week back. We were both still using our models from 2010/2011. They were clunky and hard to update or connect to wifi. These sleek new Fires are so easy to use. And the result is that I’m reading more again. Like running, reading is one of those things where I feel more like myself the more I do. It’s also one of those things that the less I do, the harder I find it to pick it back up. 


five We went up to visit B’s dad two weekends ago. His mom was out of town for business and we figured an overnight would be fun. While we were there, we visited a local park for some running of the pups. There’s a trail that meanders by the river and pretty much everyone off leashes their dogs and watches them swim. We were no exception. Part of the park is a killer frisbee golf course that goes up the side of a steep hill. When we lived with them at the end of 2014, we climbed that hill and I thought I was going to die. His dad wanted to climb the hill again on this visit. Since we had both run 5ks that morning, we didn’t, but we did anyway. The equivalent of twenty flights of stairs in ten minutes later, we were as high up as anyone wanted to go. But, it felt like an easy climb. And my father in law couldn’t quit going on about what great shape I’m in now. It’s fun to repeat activities now that I’m healthier cardiovascularly. I have a whole list of activities to tackle. 

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May Running

My darling husband and I were talking yesterday as I limped home from a run. I made it two miles in, only to trip on the sidewalk and bite it seven-year-old style. Thank goodness for capri length running leggings or I’d have the skinned knees to go with the bruised ego today. He was reminding me that I was doing well with running. I kindly countered that our running has dropped off since the completion of his relay race in March. It’s hard to run a lot without a race on the radar.

So here we are. No races scheduled until November. We’re signing up for the Vegas 10k on the Strip at night. It will be awesome. But it’s a long way away. We’re heading into a warmer time of the year and I don’t really want to have to fly anywhere to race. I just missed signing up for the LA Halloween Half Marathon, but I also don’t really want to do 13.1 miles followed by 6.2 just two weeks later. I’m not that big of a glutton for punishment.

I’m going to keep looking for some nearish races, hopefully on or near the beach for temperature help, but I need something for now. I need something to help me lace up my shoes without a race on the horizon. Yesterday, as I eased my bruised pride into a chair, I decided that the least I can do is run a mile every day this month.

My idea was born. It’s not a new one. I’m going to run every day this month. At least one mile. Hopefully more most days. But, at the least I want a mile of steady footfalls and accelerated breathing. Every day.

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The Neon Museum

 When we decided to go back to Vegas instead of hitting up San Francisco, I wanted to do more than just be drunk on the strip. We agreed on the Grand Canyon being our big trip, but we also wanted smaller excursions around town. We settled on a combo ticket to see the Neon Museum and the Mob Museum while we were there. 

  

The Neon Museum is also known as the Neon Graveyard or Junkyard. It’s a collection of all the old signs from old Las Vegas. The museum offers a one hour guided tour either day or night time. We opted for a day time tour; but I wish we had gone at night. At night everything is lit up, especially the restored signs. 
  

The hour long tour features a lt of tales about the history of Las Vegas.  A lot of it was random, but also fun. 

The Neon Museum is used for weddings, so when displaying the Moulin Rouge sign, they chose to do so in a way that displayed ‘in love’ for wedding photos. 

    

This guy was actually designed to be displayed without paint. But, everything is painted in Vegas. Go big or go home. 

I remember nothing about this sign. Except that I love seahorses.   

  

I love the space age lettering of this sign. Also, all the little glitter puffs that are little atomic dust puffs. They are the best. Probably my favorite old Vegas story is that they would host atomic testing viewing parties and drive people out into the desert to watch the tests. 

When the guide asked the theme of this museum, B immediately answered death. Because, you know, the afterlife makes people want to gamble. 

  
The museum is a non profit that restores old signs. They take in old signs, display them all, and  restore the most damaged ones so they can be displayed for years to come. I love their mission of preservation. 
  

This adorable duck evidently cost a car dealership over 250 thousand. In the sixties. People be crazy. 

In all, I loved our trip to the Neon Museum.  I do want to go back at night to see it all lit up. I would even consider paying to do a photo shoot there, it’s really a great place. When you add in visiting the Mob Museum, it’s a great deal. Both give a window into the history of Vegas. If you’re looking for more culture and histor in Vegas, I highly recommend both the Neon and Mob museums.  

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