I really thought that I was done with this. And by this, I mean being up until almost 0300 editing my thesis.
You know, I mean, I’ve already written the thing. Six long weeks of actual writing. Six long weeks of late nights turning into early mornings. Six weeks of crashing mid-afternoon due to a lack of sleep. And then, I turned in the whole thing on March 9 and I felt such relief. I went out with friends, I celebrated, I cried. The emotional release was kind of scary.
Right after that, it was back to the editing room as my Chair and I did the final prep for my thesis committee. I thought for sure that nothing would sound sweeter than my professor telling me that my thesis was ready for committee. I came close to crying then, the relief was so great. Of course, this was followed quickly by the on-set of quietly quivering nerves about my upcoming defense. They were always there, sometimes just a nagging thought as I fell asleep. Othertimes a full blown panic attack as I faced the unknown.
Finally, a week ago I defended. Surprisingly, or not, I was strangely calm. I was prepared. I prayed with my mom before going in. I knew (know) the material. Until the last five minutes before I walked in, I was perfectly fine. Those last five minutes I had to practice slow, purposeful breathing. Once I was in the room? It really was a piece of cake. My Chair had my back. And the other professors were inquisitive in a good way. It was actually kind of fun. When my Chair opened the door and told me congratulations…I think the world had to have stopped for a minute. There was a pause. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to lay down and sleep. Instead, I shook their hands and hugged all of them. And said thank you a million times. There was the release. I went out into the parking lot and jumped and screamed and cried. Again, it was followed by an emotional let down, but it was okay, I had passed. It was over.
Except, of course, I had to do the final edits. Which brings us to tonight. I actually tried to go to bed over three hours ago. An hour after that I got up and started editing. Because, once again, I was lying in bed awake, thinking about the work I needed to do on my thesis. Now, I just have to write my acknowledgements and my abstract. And, maybe, move a chapter around. And, I think I’ve realized now, that it won’t really be over until I hand it in to the library along with the form acknowledging that I can no longer access it from that point on. Honestly, I think I knew this before now. I mentioned some time ago, that I was “done” but not really. That, yeah, I was “done” then, but that I’d be “done” again in two weeks, and still not be “done” for another three weeks after that. But, finally, it’s almost done. Seriuously, I mean it this time.
God has been so good and gracious in getting me through this time. Every time I’ve felt lost and alone, because of the frailty of human relationships, he has sent me messages or signs that He is with me and sustaining me. I think I would have cracked by now, if I hadn’t had this support.
Here’s hoping that I only have to be up this late once or twice more in these last two weeks of class. Oh yeah, you read that right. I’m less than two weeks from my final day of classes ever!
~The Countess~
