I can really be so silly sometimes. I think I might need my head examined. Today, I’m just enjoying making my students think that if they squish their rests in their music that they will make me cry. It’s surprisingly effective. They get to laugh at me and they learn to observe their rests. Of course I also threatened to hog tie some of them. They’re starting to not take me seriously when I do that. I might actually have to resort to doing it so that they know it isn’t an empty threat.

~The Countess~

But, I’m having to exercise it right now. I hate not knowing how things are going to turn out. I wish that I had a crystal ball so that I could see how things are going to turn out. It might take some of the fun out of life, but, it would help me with things…at least right now. Instead, I get to muck my way through them. It kind of sucks. Oh well, it’ll be over soon enough I’m sure.

~The Countess~

My mom, sister and I were in Austin shopping today and we decided to go and visit my aunt at her residential facility today. The facility is very nice. It’s clean, bright, has a nice courtyard, the staff was friendly and attentive.

She was napping when we showed up but very happily got up to visit with us. We helped her get on her shoes and glasses and went for a walk in her courtyard. A lady came out while we were out there and kept asking how she could get out of the facility because she didn’t want to miss her son. She finally decided that she would just walk to town so she could meet him. It was heartbreaking to realize that she wasn’t there mentally.

We walked around the loop in the courtyard and kept each other laughing. After we went back inside we sat with her while she had her snack and talked about everything and yet nothing. Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in quite awhile. It was so hard to walk away and leave her behind. It felt like a betrayal. I really wanted to cry.

We made her day today though. She kept saying how happy she was to see us. How happy she was that we came and saw her. Such a simple thing really, a quick trip. And yet, it made her so happy. It was totally worth it.

~The Countess~

“We could have been killed…or worse, expelled.” – Hermione Granger

“She needs to straighten out her priorities.” – Ron Weasley

Every now and then I get so bogged down in my own woes, and so caught up in all the things that are “wrong” in my life, that I forget how good I have it. I have two amazing jobs. I have an awesome family. I have good friends.

And sure, every now and then the jobs irritate me. My family annoys me. And my friends let me down. But, in the grand scheme of things, my life is very good. This week has definitely been a woe is me week. I’ve been down about just about everything. And why? Because I’m lonely? Because things don’t go my way?

I really need to straighten out my priorities. So, I’m going to try something new this week. Every time that someone or something irritates me, I’m going to lift them up in prayer. Even if I can’t change the circumstances, I can change my attitude. And, that’s what I’m going to do. Because, honestly, I have it good, really good. And I need to remember that and not get bogged down in the little things that aren’t going so well.

~The Countess~

I’ve come to an important moment in my life – my student loans are coming out of their grace periods and into repayment. I only have three, two that the payments start on by December and one that isn’t due until April. They’re all federal loans, but, three payments going in different directions each month seemed stupid to me. I decided to look into loan consolidation. So, after a little research on the internet so that I would understand what kind of interest rates I should be offered, I went to my bank this morning.

Lady1 gave me all sorts of great information regarding consolidation loans – of the unsecured variety. The lowest interest rate was twice what my current fixed rate is. She did mention that if I did a home equity loan she could get me a lower rate. That was after I told her that I didn’t own a home.All of this was after telling her that this was for student loans.

Lady2 on hearing that I was working with student loans gave me a 1800 number to call. I called the number and got Guy1. He was by far the most helpful. Told me about the interest rates he could offer me, the terms of repayment, etc. And then told me that he thought it would be in my best interest to go through the Department of Education, since all of my loans are federal. So I called the next 1800 number, worked my way through the second stupid call system to get Guy2. He was, essentially, useless. The automated system could have told me what he did. All he kept repeating was that they could mail me an application or I could fill it out online.

Off to the website I went, only to learn that I would be forfeiting my remaining grace period and have to jump through all sorts of hoops. I need to:

• Gather all of my loan information.
• Fill out an application.
• Apply for a pin.
• Sign an electronic note.
• Send in my application.
• Dance with a monkey on my back.
• Wait 4-6 weeks.

And then, they’ll let me know. So, while all of that is going on, I’ll have to be making payments on my loans. I’ve decided not to consolidate. At least, not right now. I’ve remembered again why I loathe our government at times – they take what should be a simple process and complicate it. And of course, when the government is the entity least likely to screw you over…you’re, well, screwed.

This is the stuff that coming of age novels should be made of. Forget the whole finding out who you are because your dog/best friend/parent dies. It should be all about how to dance the bureaucratic dance. Who needs character when they have rules.

~The Countess~

Just made it home from my cousin’s wedding in Wyoming. Today was a looooong day of travel. It started with a 2.5 hour flight delay. It ended with me getting home to a notice that the water at my complex would be shut off tomorrow morning. And that they’re coming in to test my smoke alarm. (Which should be tested. I burned dinner in the worst way not too long ago and it never went off). I’m currently printing music for a recital I’m accompanying in a week and few days.

The wedding was a total blast. I’m going to try and have pictures up soon. It’s always fun for us Texans to see snow and we actually got snowed on during picture taking. Overall the wedding involved: snow, shotguns, a kilt, a knife, lots of whiskey, and teaching our new family across the pond how to vandalize someone’s car. Hopefully I’ll have time tomorrow to share photos.

~The Countess~

Airing dirty laundry has always been socially unacceptable. Think about it – you run in to an acquaintance – they ask you how you are, you tell them you’re fine, and they say the same. Regardless of how either of you really are. Because, you don’t want to air your dirty laundry in public. You aren’t supposed to. We’re all supposed to be fine. Even when we’re really all barely mucking along. It’s like it’s inappropriate to be having a hard time with life.

Screw all of that. Why do we try so hard to pretend that everything is hunky-dory when it isn’t? Like, having a sucky period in life makes you a bad person? Where  the hell did that come from? It’s okay for things to not be okay. This is the conclusion I’ve come to.

My blogging has been non-existent practically since I moved because things have been varying degrees of not okay. I don’t say anything, because there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. And yet, it is okay for me to not be okay. Even with everything that is going right in my life – it’s okay for me to still not be having an easy time.

Don’t get me wrong – the jobs are great. I know how fortunate I am to have not one, but two, jobs that fit who I am as well as I do. But, when you feel like the only thing in your life that is going right is your job…well, then, you know how I’ve been.

The “problems” or the “not right things” probably wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar for many people. But for me, they’re sources of non-happiness. My personal life is shot. What’s that quote from The Devil Wear’s Prada? Something about, let me know when your personal life has gone to hell…it means it’s time for a promotion.

Anyways,  my dirty laundry is this:

- I dated an ass. Not the first time, probably won’t be the last. But, it sucks. He lied multiple times all while telling me he’d always be honest with me. And, why do guys think they can actually successfully date multiple girls at the same time? Best thing that came out of it was a song.

- Most of my friends are married. I am not. I am not even dating anyone. This sucks on several levels. Either, they invite you to do something and you’re the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel. Or, they don’t invite you because they don’t want you to be the odd person out. Which, means you are the odd person out. Or, they just try to set you up with the only single people they know. Even if you aren’t compatible. Or you go out with only the girls and they only talk about their husbands, or sex, or going home to their husband, or, well, you get the idea. It gets old. What happened to talking about movies, jobs, current happenings, religion, politics? Because really, I don’t want every trip out to include a discussion of your sex life. Or how much you love your husband. Even though I’m glad you do. And of course, we can’t forget the whole making plans only to bail because they have a date with their spouse or whatever. What happened to the girl code that you never bailed on your friends for a guy? This has happened three or four times in the last two weeks. It gets old.

So yeah, I have two great jobs that are running me into the ground. I love them, but I am exhausted at the end of every day. And, I am lacking the support network to recharge. I’ve often felt invisible – like, if I’m not in the room with you – you’ll forget that I’m there. I feel that I’m very invisible here in SA. I have a purpose in my job and none in my own life. Hopefully I’ll find my footing soon, but, I’m done with ignoring the problems in my life. I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. This is one of the few places where I can be me. So here I am – it’s all out on the line.

~The Countess~

I love this song.

~The Countess~

I’ve always hated on again, off again bloggers. And yet, here I find myself one of them. Actually, I’ve kind of become an on again, off again internet user. I still check my email daily, but, honestly that’s about it. I use my phone for most of my internet stuff and I use the internet at work. By the time I get home I’m typically tired enough that I don’t want to mess with unpacking the computer to get online.I’m hoping to be back in the on again phase. I like blogging. Of course, the problem is when I feel like I have nothing to say that doesn’t make me sound like an emo-tween. So, here’s hoping that I can update on what’s going on in my life – including the amazing program that I work for. (And hopefully not all tonight. I’d like to spread this out over a bit.

~The Countess~

I understand that it can be hard to tell the truth. Scary sometimes. And maybe, just maybe, you think that you’re softening the blow by lying. But really, finding out the truth when it comes out just makes it hurt all over again. I’m a big girl. I can handle the truth. But, being lied to? I don’t deal so well with that.

~The Countess~