I’ve come to an important moment in my life – my student loans are coming out of their grace periods and into repayment. I only have three, two that the payments start on by December and one that isn’t due until April. They’re all federal loans, but, three payments going in different directions each month seemed stupid to me. I decided to look into loan consolidation. So, after a little research on the internet so that I would understand what kind of interest rates I should be offered, I went to my bank this morning.

Lady1 gave me all sorts of great information regarding consolidation loans – of the unsecured variety. The lowest interest rate was twice what my current fixed rate is. She did mention that if I did a home equity loan she could get me a lower rate. That was after I told her that I didn’t own a home.All of this was after telling her that this was for student loans.

Lady2 on hearing that I was working with student loans gave me a 1800 number to call. I called the number and got Guy1. He was by far the most helpful. Told me about the interest rates he could offer me, the terms of repayment, etc. And then told me that he thought it would be in my best interest to go through the Department of Education, since all of my loans are federal. So I called the next 1800 number, worked my way through the second stupid call system to get Guy2. He was, essentially, useless. The automated system could have told me what he did. All he kept repeating was that they could mail me an application or I could fill it out online.

Off to the website I went, only to learn that I would be forfeiting my remaining grace period and have to jump through all sorts of hoops. I need to:

• Gather all of my loan information.
• Fill out an application.
• Apply for a pin.
• Sign an electronic note.
• Send in my application.
• Dance with a monkey on my back.
• Wait 4-6 weeks.

And then, they’ll let me know. So, while all of that is going on, I’ll have to be making payments on my loans. I’ve decided not to consolidate. At least, not right now. I’ve remembered again why I loathe our government at times – they take what should be a simple process and complicate it. And of course, when the government is the entity least likely to screw you over…you’re, well, screwed.

This is the stuff that coming of age novels should be made of. Forget the whole finding out who you are because your dog/best friend/parent dies. It should be all about how to dance the bureaucratic dance. Who needs character when they have rules.

~The Countess~

Just made it home from my cousin’s wedding in Wyoming. Today was a looooong day of travel. It started with a 2.5 hour flight delay. It ended with me getting home to a notice that the water at my complex would be shut off tomorrow morning. And that they’re coming in to test my smoke alarm. (Which should be tested. I burned dinner in the worst way not too long ago and it never went off). I’m currently printing music for a recital I’m accompanying in a week and few days.

The wedding was a total blast. I’m going to try and have pictures up soon. It’s always fun for us Texans to see snow and we actually got snowed on during picture taking. Overall the wedding involved: snow, shotguns, a kilt, a knife, lots of whiskey, and teaching our new family across the pond how to vandalize someone’s car. Hopefully I’ll have time tomorrow to share photos.

~The Countess~

Airing dirty laundry has always been socially unacceptable. Think about it – you run in to an acquaintance – they ask you how you are, you tell them you’re fine, and they say the same. Regardless of how either of you really are. Because, you don’t want to air your dirty laundry in public. You aren’t supposed to. We’re all supposed to be fine. Even when we’re really all barely mucking along. It’s like it’s inappropriate to be having a hard time with life.

Screw all of that. Why do we try so hard to pretend that everything is hunky-dory when it isn’t? Like, having a sucky period in life makes you a bad person? Where  the hell did that come from? It’s okay for things to not be okay. This is the conclusion I’ve come to.

My blogging has been non-existent practically since I moved because things have been varying degrees of not okay. I don’t say anything, because there are so many people who have it so much worse than I do. And yet, it is okay for me to not be okay. Even with everything that is going right in my life – it’s okay for me to still not be having an easy time.

Don’t get me wrong – the jobs are great. I know how fortunate I am to have not one, but two, jobs that fit who I am as well as I do. But, when you feel like the only thing in your life that is going right is your job…well, then, you know how I’ve been.

The “problems” or the “not right things” probably wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar for many people. But for me, they’re sources of non-happiness. My personal life is shot. What’s that quote from The Devil Wear’s Prada? Something about, let me know when your personal life has gone to hell…it means it’s time for a promotion.

Anyways,  my dirty laundry is this:

- I dated an ass. Not the first time, probably won’t be the last. But, it sucks. He lied multiple times all while telling me he’d always be honest with me. And, why do guys think they can actually successfully date multiple girls at the same time? Best thing that came out of it was a song.

- Most of my friends are married. I am not. I am not even dating anyone. This sucks on several levels. Either, they invite you to do something and you’re the 3rd, 5th, 7th wheel. Or, they don’t invite you because they don’t want you to be the odd person out. Which, means you are the odd person out. Or, they just try to set you up with the only single people they know. Even if you aren’t compatible. Or you go out with only the girls and they only talk about their husbands, or sex, or going home to their husband, or, well, you get the idea. It gets old. What happened to talking about movies, jobs, current happenings, religion, politics? Because really, I don’t want every trip out to include a discussion of your sex life. Or how much you love your husband. Even though I’m glad you do. And of course, we can’t forget the whole making plans only to bail because they have a date with their spouse or whatever. What happened to the girl code that you never bailed on your friends for a guy? This has happened three or four times in the last two weeks. It gets old.

So yeah, I have two great jobs that are running me into the ground. I love them, but I am exhausted at the end of every day. And, I am lacking the support network to recharge. I’ve often felt invisible – like, if I’m not in the room with you – you’ll forget that I’m there. I feel that I’m very invisible here in SA. I have a purpose in my job and none in my own life. Hopefully I’ll find my footing soon, but, I’m done with ignoring the problems in my life. I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. This is one of the few places where I can be me. So here I am – it’s all out on the line.

~The Countess~

I love this song.

~The Countess~

I’ve always hated on again, off again bloggers. And yet, here I find myself one of them. Actually, I’ve kind of become an on again, off again internet user. I still check my email daily, but, honestly that’s about it. I use my phone for most of my internet stuff and I use the internet at work. By the time I get home I’m typically tired enough that I don’t want to mess with unpacking the computer to get online.I’m hoping to be back in the on again phase. I like blogging. Of course, the problem is when I feel like I have nothing to say that doesn’t make me sound like an emo-tween. So, here’s hoping that I can update on what’s going on in my life – including the amazing program that I work for. (And hopefully not all tonight. I’d like to spread this out over a bit.

~The Countess~

I understand that it can be hard to tell the truth. Scary sometimes. And maybe, just maybe, you think that you’re softening the blow by lying. But really, finding out the truth when it comes out just makes it hurt all over again. I’m a big girl. I can handle the truth. But, being lied to? I don’t deal so well with that.

~The Countess~

Today is the day! In a few short hours I’ll be picking up my keys and moving in to my new apartment. I’m excited and nervous. I’m excited about living on my own again after five months of living with a family and, well, honestly, I’m nervous about the same thing. I’ve gotten used to always having people around. And yet, there are definitely times when I just need some alone time. I’ll have to see how it all balances out.

Anyways, today has been a long day and I have to be up early for a Saturday tomorrow. So I’m going to get some sleep. I’ll try and post some pics once everything is unpacked!

~The Countess~

~The Countess~

Life seems to be rushing by right now. I’m getting ready to move this weekend and both of my jobs are hurtling ahead full-tilt. I had intended to sit down and write a real post tonight, but instead I spent it typing up attendance rosters. And then, while my roomie borrowed my computer I played under the “tent” with my niece. We sang and laughed as we made a tent out of a blanket. She is such a treasure and joy. And such a reminder that time flies by way too quickly.

I’ll admit that I’ve been struggling a little bit with everything that’s been going on. Not everything has turned out quite the way I wanted it to and that, well, sucks actually. But, I’m getting over it. Being a musician helps. Although, a word to the wise – think twice about the way you treat musicians as we tend to write songs about everything. And, I do mean everything.

Anyways, I have to be up in just a few hours, so I’m off to bed. Hopefully I can get some real updates soon. I have so many things swirling around in my head that I want to write about…and no time to do it. Ah well, at least I’m earning money.

~The Countess~

One of my aunts (Aunt H) had a Grand Mal seizure today. She’s in the hospital overnight while they stabilize her blood pressure. They also need to rerun the EKG and EEG as she was too stressed earlier for them to do the tests. My parents spent the day at the ER with her and my Aunt K. They’re the classic two spinster aunts that live together, have too many cats, and dote on their nieces and nephews.

Aunt H was diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia-Motor Neuron Disease the summer before I started my freshman year of college. She’d been having problems with her memory and paying attention to details. It’s a brutal disease. All forms of dementia are, but FTD-MND typically strikes people in their 40s and 50s. It also leaves them cognizant of the changes that are happening to them. At least with Alzheimer’s you have the comfort of knowing that they are blissfully unaware of what is going on. With FTD-MND, at least for my aunt, she is aware that she can no longer do things, like open doors, tie her shoes, sit down, feed herself. She is so smart. And now she’s trapped.

And the seizure is just another sign of the disease progressing. It’s so hard to watch her life fall apart. It’s so hard knowing that the end is near. I’m not ready to say goodbye, and yet, I know that this isn’t the life she would have chosen. For now though, it looks like she can go home tomorrow. And hopefully they can keep the seizures at bay. Perhaps we can gain a brief respite.

~The Countess~