Finding Words

I miss Scintilla, it came along right at the right moment. I was struggling to find the words to say, and it gave me the gift of the spark, the idea, the push to find the momentum to put words on a page. And now it is gone, fading in our memories as a part of the good ol’ days. I am left with the here and now, with every triumph, every struggle, but mostly with everyday mundanity that threatens to underwhelm the spark right out of life.

I have always been a talker. I love whispering in the dark, chatting on the phone, sharing bits of myself and my day as I go along. I have always come here to share my words, my thoughts, my dreams. And yet. Lately I find myself not even wanting to check this place. The words are running from me, sprinting fearfully ahead and ever out of my grasp. I want to be significant. I want to matter. And in those wants I have lost my voice.

I need to be able to come here and talk about my job hunt. But I worry that I’m not funny enough to convey this in a way that people will appreciate.

I need to be able to come here and express my frustration that nothing in my wardrobe fits. But I am silenced by those who say anyone in a size 8 or smaller shouldn’t complain about weight or clothes.

I need to be able to come here and wail about how hard it is sometimes to live on a continent far away from all my family. But I fear not being strong enough to do it on my own.

And even more, I fear the silence that is the response to most of my life. Every day I check the social websites, scour them honestly, for some connection between me and others. Most days the only email I receive is a 50% off offer from Shutterfly. I am craving human connection with the people I know in the world at large. Even as I try and build new little friendships here, on our island of a base, I still need the contact from those who have been here before.

I am trying to find my words again. Without the help of a guided promp. Without the fellowship of new readers. Just me, my computer, and some cathartic words.

~The Countess~

50 Questions: Part 1

Questions found here.

After having seen several different bloggers answer these questions in a series of posts, I’ve decided that I want to answer them too. The goal is to do this once a week or month in groups of 5 until I’m done. The hope is to do it once a week, but with our big move looming in the near future I’m not sure if I’ll get derailed or not.

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

Age is not something that is super important to me. I try to just enjoy life and not worry about doing “what I’m supposed to” for my age. That said, I like being 26. I’ve enjoyed every year of my life so far more than the last. I’m not looking to avoid aging. Even if the future terrifies me sometime, I don’t want to not experience it due to a fear of getting older. So, I guess to me, age is just a number. It doesn’t define who I am in any way shape or form.

2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?

Hands down, the answer for me is never trying. Failure is just a learning experience. But not even trying? That’s failure at the ultimate level for me. You can learn from failing, but if you never even try than you never have an option to succeed.

3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

Because we are raised with the expectations that we have to achieve certain standards during our  life time. We have to go to college, get a high paying job, have a nice house with 2.4 kids, and keep up with the Jones’. So we spend all our time working away for a “better future” while denying ourselves the right to enjoy our current life.

This is something that B and I feel quite strongly against doing. We definitely save for the future. We have no consumer debt and in less than a month should have no debt at all. But we want to enjoy our life now, while we’re young and have the opportunity to do all the awesome things that we can do. I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy it now and in the future.

4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

As much as I would like to hope so, the truth is that I’m a huge talker, so probably not. I try to live my life in such away that what I say matches up with how I act. I definitely want to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. But again, I’m a huge chatter box, so probably, no matter how much I do, I’ll still end up talking more. And I’m okay with this.

5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

The unwillingness of humanity to understand, embrace, accept, and love people different than themselves. We are so hesitant of anything that is different from ourselves that we don’t take time to understand. And by not understanding we fear. In our fear we come to hate and loathe. And born from that is our desire to destroy. How much better to love rather than hate.

~The Countess~

First Love

We are currently up in the air on a 9 hour flight to O’Hare International. I hope you all are doing well and are enjoying this time leading up to Christmas. Hug someone today and remember to never take anyone around you for granted.

It’s such a charged term. For many, it conjures up memories of the one that got away or of the simpler times when it’s easy to fall in love. With the internet age and the ease of reconnecting, there are many folks trying to reignite the flames of loves past – without much regard for what it does to their current life.

Somehow, somewhere, the idea that the first person that you fall in love with is supposed to change you has become firmly rooted in our culture. Long gone are the days when we first fell for our first love, the memories of why it didn’t work have dimmed while the nostalgia for how perfect life was then stands strong.

I had my first boyfriend at 16. He was the first one I kissed (an awkward peck on the lips that gave me a distaste for kissing) and the first one I exchanged “I love you” with. And here’s the horrible part. I didn’t mean it. There’s no way I could have. I was 16, I didn’t know what love was at the time. I’m not even sure that I thought I knew what it was. I think I was just going through the motions of what I was supposed to do. My parents remember it differently, but, they never were in my head. Let me back up.

My first boyfriend, let’s call him jdf and I met when he was 13 and I was 11. We became fast friends and partners in crime at the church events we went to together. I think he was 16 and I was 14 when our youth leaders told us we should date. My parent’s were nice and conservative so jdf made the sweet and grandiose statement that he would marry me when I turned 18 since I couldn’t date. 14 year old me was thrilled. I thought it was daring and romantic. Besides, what more to life was there then getting married and having kids? It was the perfect small-town dream. Fast forward to when I was 16 and he was 18, he repeated that claim to me one week…and showed up with a girlfriend to our youth group the next. Six months later, after he broke up with her, he called my best friend and asked her to ask me out. She called (she was dating his brother at the time) and against my better judgement I said yes.

I lost my close friend and partner in crime that day. Something strange happened and instead of being the person he was having fun with I was supposed to stand off to the side and silently smile at him while he goofed off with my sister and friends. Yet, this was what I had always wanted, wasn’t it? He was the one I was supposed to be with, right? Everyone said we were perfect for each other. So I kept pushing aside the doubts and making declarations about marrying him. Even though that wasn’t what I wanted. He brought up marriage regularly and I kept putting him off with wanting to go to college and see the world.

Needless to say, it didn’t end pretty. After we broke up we didn’t speak for 4 months and after that it took 6 years. He’s now happily married to the best friend that he called to ask me out through.

But I don’t think of him as my first love. Because the petty fights, the disillusionment, the skewed expectations, those aren’t a part of the love that I know and embrace now.

marrying my only love

B is the only man that I have ever loved. I may have told jdf that I loved him, but it wasn’t true. (Yes, I know that this makes teenage me horrible. I realized it right after I said it, or more accurately, I realized it when I didn’t want to say it anymore) It took me a lot of growing up to learn what love was and is not. I have no nostalgia, no yearning, for love’s past; because the love of now and always is just too great to be surpassed.

Love is not just a giddy feeling in my stomach; though B still gives me butterflies when I see him. Love is finding my home in his arms. Love is not just a choice; I used to say that “love is a choice you make on bad days,” but there is no choice in me loving B. He is my whole life and I couldn’t possibly choose to not love him as that goes against every fiber of my being. Love is the promise of forever in his eyes.

~The Countess~

Playing Grown Up

It was my favorite game as a kid. Pick a partner, fashion a house, grab some baby dolls and play pretend. Here’s my kitchen, there’s your car, go to work, and I’ll make dinner. Day in and day out I loved to play grown up. As I got older this morphed into baby-sitting gigs and being a mother’s helper. As I cooed the crying baby to sleep I would daydream about when it would be my turn to have the family.

This whole last year has been surreal. B was a participant in the AF’s Olympic Training Program, which meant all he had to do was work out and go to practices and games. My teaching schedule dictated most of our daily lives, because he just didn’t have that much to do. It’s been a lot like still being in college. It’s been a lot like playing grown up.

Now, I’ve never held a regular nine-to-five job, and I probably never will. The closest I’ve come to it, is the year that I met B. I taught for two different programs, one from 0730-1300 and the other from 1500-1900. But as you can see, my day had a big two hour break in it. And my morning schedule was never back to back. Most days I would roll out of bed in time to hit that 0730 rehearsal, teach until my early lunch break, teach until my next break, go home and work out and shower, grab a snack on the way to my afternoon gig, teach there, then grab food on my way home with my boss. I almost never cooked. I ate out almost every day.

Certainly this last year, I’ve cooked a lot more. But still, my schedule has been very flexible. We would wake up whenever, go grab lunch, run errands, and then come home so I could teach. Laundry and cleaning was saved for the weekends. I didn’t feel like a grown up.

Today, B returned to a regular schedule for the first time since we got married. This will only last for a couple of weeks before we head home for Christmas, and then pick up right after we get back until we leave for Turkey. The guys here are amazing, they’re getting him retrained and requalified on everything and giving him some practical experience to help him ease back into things before he’s in a position bearing a lot more responsibility. It’s really good for him. It’s really good for us.

It was weird to wake up without him this morning. It was weird to make lunch for just me. Did I mention that we sold my car last week so I’m stuck at home while he’s at work? It was like a forced day of playing grown up. So I did what any good pretend adult would do. I vacuumed and did laundry. I planned out dinner and baked some cookies. I have everything ready to give B a good welcome home from his first day of work.

Is this where I finally graduate from pretending to be a grown up to actually being one? Or is it just that my idea of what being a grown up entails is skewed in my own head? Either way, the cleaner house, yummy baked cookies, and delicious dinner waiting to cook makes me feel like I’ve done something concrete. Something real. Maybe I’m not playing after all.

~The Countess~

And Away We Go

It feels like I’m constantly posting about being gone. Or leaving. Here I am doing it again. It’s just a busy time of year for us. We’re both hoping to not have any major travels for the next couple of months. Once we get back from this trip, we want to just stay home except for the occasional weekend trip.

This is my least favorite part about traveling – the starting it part. I hate the process of simply getting to the airport. At least today we didn’t have to leave at 0300, which is our normal departure time for flying to TX.

Anyway, I will have internet access for the first part of the trip most definitely. I’m hoping to get in a couple of posts before I’m gone, but if not…well, you know where to find me. ;)

~The Countess~

Beat the Heat: Week Four

It’s been another crazy week here in Germany. The weather has been cold and rainy. It seems like my friendships are falling apart right and left around me. I started last week really strong and watched it implode the further in that I got. Sunday was a pretty miserable day. But, this is a new week and a new day. I’m going to just find my smile, pick myself up, and keep on keeping on.

1.       What have you done this week towards your goals?

I’ve lost another 2.5 lbs to bring me to a total of 6 lbs lost since the start of this challenge. This has probably been the area I’ve rocked the most – I’m being careful with what I eat and how much; but I’m not letting it control me or taking it too far. It’s been amazing to see that I can do this. No new recipes this week, we took a break. I’m still at 5 books read for the challenge. I’ve stalled out a bit on the reading – but since B will be gone this whole weekend, I think I’ll pick it back up. My list of things that I like about myself is still growing. The only one I totally failed at this week was playing my instruments; but the reasons are forthcoming. Hopefully I’ll get back on track with that.

2.       What did you do to make yourself feel fabulous?

A couple of things for this week – first, I didn’t really do it for myself, B did it for me. But he went out and bought me an iPhone 4. I’ve had nothing but phone troubles since we moved to Germany so it’s exciting to know that I have a good, reliable, and fun phone. Not to mention I can blog from the road now! Exciting! The big one though is, I quit teaching at the studio that was my first employment over here. I’ve had nothing but problems with the studio owner from the beginning. I paid for my studio time by teaching her 2 kids for free, but she never respected my hours and would always schedule workshops during my teaching times without clearing it with me first. She did it again this week (I found out on Sunday while I was already in a bad mood) and it was finally too much. I immediately resigned my position there and am now looking for a piano for my apartment so that I can teach from home. It looks like I won’t be losing any students over it either and it’s just a huge weight off of my shoulders.

3.       Do you exercise? What is your favourite kind and why?

I do. I love to work out. I hate the act of going to the gym, but once I’m there I’m a happy camper. Weight lifting has become my new favorite – B runs me through an entire routine and I feel fabulous for having done it. I also love jogging/power walking on a track but we don’t have a good one here so it’s the elliptical for me. I love simple workouts for the pure fact that the repetition and sweat does my body and soul good. I tend to do a lot of thinking while I’m working out and it makes for fabulous me time.

4.       There are loads of fantastic bloggers here in the Beat the Heat competition, which blog or blogs have you discovered through the challenge that you particularly enjoy? Show that person some love!

I have to say, that hands down, the most inspirational blogger that I’ve discovered through this challenge is Mary at asmallloss. She’s real, she’s gritty, and she isn’t afraid to take on everything. Her posts are my favorite to read out of any blogger that I follow right now.

5.       Fun Question: What song makes you want to dance at the moment?

This is where I confess that up until grad school I never listened to the radio. To this day, I only do so when I don’t have my iPod (loaded with classical and instrumental music) with me. All those years of music classes and I still prefer my classical or Irish folk music. I listen to a little bit of country and a lot of whatever B is currently listening to. My newest favorite from his stuff is anything by Van Canto – they’re an acapella metal band and if you haven’t heard of them then you should go look them up.

Positive Picture

B and I all dressed up at his brother's commisioning ceremony.

Hope you all have a great week!

~The Countess~

Choices

You close your eyes and reach out your hand.

Grab blindly for whatever you can;

Grasping tight, you risk a glance;

Hoping to end, this endless dance.

The choice to live, the choice to love;

Choosing to follow the God above;

Defining me, defining you, that’s what our choices do.

A game of eenie-meenie-miney-mo

Taking turns wherever you go

Throwing dice or flipping a coin

Hating this game that you’ve joined.

The choice to live, the choice to love;

Choosing to follow the God above;

Defining me, defining you, that’s what our choices do.

Breaking, mending, hurting, healing;

You have to choose what to do

But what you choose is up to you.

The choice to live, the choice to love.

Choosing to follow the God above.

Defining me, defining you, that’s what our choices do.

~The Countess~

Vacay Update

I’m writing to you from not-so-sunny Denver. Seriously. It decided to be cold and kind of rainy here, though I’ve still managed to burn my nose in spite of that. It is so great to be back in the USofA.

B’s brothers both graduated quite nicely earlier this week. It was really funny/sweet. His brother’s Things One and Two were both graduating from USAFA and chose to commission together. So, they called “Cadet 1st Class Thing One commissioned by 2nd LT B, and then Cadet 1st Class Thing Two commissioned by 2nd LT B and the whole crowd of 500ish went nuts. They had no idea that they’d have three brothers, all USAFA grads, all AF in one ceremony. It was really awesome to be a part of. I couldn’t have been prouder than watching B give Things One and Two their Oath of Office.

The graduation ceremony was long. 40 squads of cadets, called up one at a time to salute and shake hands with two different people. But, USAFA has the idea right, they ended graduation with a Thunderbirds show. That was seriously one of the coolest things that I have ever seen.

We got into Denver yesterday. We’re one Rockies game and one pool party in to our great vacation. We’ve hit so many malls that it isn’t even funny. ;) Tomorrow is supposed to be a theme park or brewery (depending on weather), trampoline park, dinner, and Dave and Busters. There are no plans after this.

Tonight we’re celebrating my birthday early since we’ll be on a plane for all of it. But we’re also celebrating B getting promoted. He is now officially 1stLT B. I couldn’t be prouder. I’m going to duck out and get ready to go to dinner with my amazing husband.

I hope you are all doing well!

~The Countess~

30 Day Photo Challenge: Day 3

A Picture of the Cast from Your Favorite Show

Firefly

So, I was actually going to skip this day. Or change it to something else. I’m not a big TV watcher – I have this thing against paying for cable, I’d rather own movies/tv shows and spend most of my time and money doing something that doesn’t involve sitting in front of the TV. I even complained to B that I don’t have a favorite show. He looked at me like I was crazy and asked me, “but what about Firefly?”

And yep, he’s right. If I could only watch one tv show for the rest of my life, it would be Firefly. Funny, dark, sarcastic, entertaining – it has everything I want in a tv show.

~The Countess~

Survey Says!

1. How did your parents decide on your name?

 

My Mom was about 3 months pregnant with me and watching the 1985 Super Bowl. She started playing around with the last name of a couple of the Chicago Bears players and came up with Kendra. She honestly thought that she’d made it up – until she took me to my 8 week check up and there were 5-6 other Kendra’s on the Dr’s list. Still, I’ve only personally met two other Kendra’s in my entire life. My middle name is Ann after one of my grandmother’s.

(Note, a lot of you have been calling me K on here, but I’ve realized that 90% of the people who read my blog know my real name, so, yeah, no point in hiding it anymore.I’ve gone back and forth on this several times, but, like I’ve said, most of you already know it and there’s no harm in it really.)

 

2. Do your initials (first/middle/last) spell anything funny?

My maiden initails spelled KAW and my married initials spell KAD. So not really, though I love that I was such an alphabet climber. College showed me how horrible it was to be an end of the alphabet name – so ascending the ranks as far as I did – from W to D – is like being a last name commoner and marrying into royalty. ;)

3. Did you take your middle name from childhood or did you drop your middle name and; take your maiden name as your middle name? (Or if unmarried, what do you plan to do?)

I took on B’s last name and kept my middle name. I know that this is an intensely personal issue, and have spent 2+ hours embroiled inand a discussion about it, but for me, the most important thing was to be a singular unit with my husband. I am proud to be Mrs. D. And I’m the only one in his family right now with that title as his Mom hyphenated. When it came to keeping my middle name or using my maiden name there, that was never really a tough choice. I’m named for one of my grandmother’s and I like keeping that part of my identity over clinging to my old last name. Not to mention that as a Kendra Ann, I’m about as Southern as you can get.

4. Are you or will you name your children systematically? (ie, same first letter, same origin, etc)

Not a lot is decided on kids right now besides the fact that we are waiting at least 5 years. We want time to be a young married couple and to decide if B is staying AD or not first. However, we probably won’t. B is a Jr, so we’re probably going to continue the tradition with our first son, but I’m not hugely fond of most girl’s names starting with a B.

5. Did you decide on baby names as a little girl? Did you stick to them or change your mind?

Heck yes. I have lots and lots of names that I’ve chosen. Some of which are still with me. Most have changed, though  there are a few that have stuck around.

6. Does your family have any names that have been passed down through generations?

Yep, on both sides of our family. Like I said, B is a JR and my little brother is a 4th. My oldest sister has one grandmother’s middle name, I have the other grandmother’s first name as a middle name, and our middle sister has our Mom’s middle name. I like that connection from one generation to the next.

7. Do you look at the meaning of the name or just the name itself?

Depends on how much I like the name. I certainly wasn’t named Kendra because it meant wise woman or daugther of the Sun. I was named it because my Mom thought it sounded good.

8. Do you name pets with human names or pet names?

Pet names. All of our family pets have had fun names – we’ve had three Shelties named – Cody (closest to human ever), Cello, and Cookie; we’ve had three Pekingnese’s named – Wolfgang, Mushu (yes after Mulan), and Yuki (Japanese for snow); a mutt named Kaya (from Willow), an Australian Shepherd named Bear, and a horse named Nicholas (okay, this one would win, but Nick came to us already named.). We’ve had too many cats to list off individually by name, but they’ve all had cat names.

9. Are their any names that you have an affinity or dislike for based on a childhood experience/someone you once knew?

Not really. We certainly won’t use any of our exes names for kids (how awkward would that be?) but other than that, I can’t imagine not choosing a name just because I knew and disliked someone with that name.

10. What are some of your favorite names and why?

 

I like fun names. Everyone in my family has a cool and different name. We’re not your Sarahs, Joes, and Amandas. We stand out in a list of names. Most of the names that I like have a vaguely Celtic influence to them. Which works brilliantly with my Irish sounding last name. Another good move on my part. Probably my favorite name that I won’t use is McKenzie for a variety of reasons, first is that it’s no longer a unique name and second is because it’s a little too close to my sister’s soon-to-be last name. But we’ll see, I won’t rule anything out.

 

Now it’s your turn to play along!

 

~The Countess~

Intolerance

As you are reading this I am currently wandering the beautiful city of Paris, France. While this probably means that I should leave you with something equally beautiful to read, instead what I leave you with is this.

Intolerance is ugly. It doesn’t matter who is intolerant. It doesn’t matter who they’re being intolerant of. It doesn’t matter what their intolerance stems from. It’s ugly. It’s brutal. And it’s destroying humanity.

Now, if you’ve known me long, then you know I don’t like tolerance much better. I still believe that we only tolerate those things which we hate. You never hear of people tolerating ice cream or their best friends (except maybe when said bff is head over heels for some random guy and won’t quit prattling on it, but you know what I mean).

Rather, we tolerate those who are different than us. We tolerate those who make us uncomfortable. We tolerate those we’d rather shove into a little closet and pretend that they don’t exist. We tolerate those who’s beliefs, lives, manners, and culture are contrary in nature to our own.

It’s true, I don’t like tolerance. I prefer acceptance and love. Maybe that sounds too new-agey touchy-feely to you. That’s okay by me, but I find that it works.

But I hate intolerance. I don’t tolerate it. I won’t stand for it. I will call it out whenever I see it – regardless of if I agree with either party or not. Intolerance is ugly. I won’t even say that I’m intolerant of it, though I know that’s an irony just begging to be jumped upon. Because, I loathe intolerance.

There is no good reason to be intolerant. It doesn’t matter if someone wronged you, holding on to that only means that you wrong them – and their cultural group in return. Intolerance is a vicious cycle that we sink further and further into every moment that we allow its existence. Intolerance drives people apart and sends them deeper into the identity rifts that keep rising up between people.

I suppose if you are intolerant of people than tolerance is a better level. I’m still going to be naive enough to hope for love and acceptance instead.

~The Countess~

The Bonds of Friendship

Blest be the ties that bind.

I’ve spent too long mourning the friends that I don’t have. I realized that tonight after MJ came to my support over the shooting incident just over an hour from my home involving USAF servicemen. I’ve never met her in person. She found my blog last summer though and we’ve become solid blog buddies. Tonight she shared my shaken feeling because, as she said, blog love = real love.

It’s so true. Between MJ coming to my support or Stereo sending her love, I’ve been uplifted through the bonds of friendship. We’ve never met face to face and it’s possible that we never will. But these two women are helping me rethink what friendship is.

I know now that it isn’t limited by physical proximity. I used to think that a friend was someone you had to see regularly. Someone you went out with. Someone you talked to at ungodly hours. Someone you shared everything with. I’m learning now that friends are the people who care enough to read and speak. To respond and love. They are the person who takes the time to know you and care about you from their home.

Thank you MJ and thank you Stereo. You’ve both been walking with me through some hard times. I’m not used to being friendless and alone; but I’m realizing now, that I’m not. I have you both out there, reading and commenting. That truly means the world to me. Thank you for being my friends.

~The Countess~

Fallen

They were deploying. Leaving Germany and heading downrange. They’d already said goodbye to their families in the UK, they’d come here for training. And now they were leaving to spend six months – God knows where. War conditions, far from home, far from loved ones.

But they were still supposed to be safe. We should still be safe here. Today the mistruth of that became abundantly clear. Three dead – two military members and the bus driver, and two more injured. When they were still supposed to be safe.

One man destroyed the illusion of our safety. One man stole their lives from them. One man sent knocks on the doors of families thinking they were safe from that fear for just a few more days.

They have fallen. But they will not be forgotten.

~The Countess~

Hard

When you realize a dream only to realize it wasn’t all that you hoped – it’s hard.

When you come back to reality from a fantastic get away – it’s hard.

When you spend the weekend with someone in terrible shape but who’s still skinnier than you – it’s hard.

When you learn that a person you’d hope to befriend isn’t interested – it’s hard.

When you are short with a student and cause her to get fussed at by a parent and then she cries – it’s hard.

When you cry between every lesson – it’s hard.

When you cry every time you’re in the car – it’s hard.

When you step on the scale and the numbers are going up instead of down – it’s hard.

When you sit at home while your spouse is on a gender-only night – it’s hard.

When you realize you’ve lied to yourself about how you feel – it’s hard.

When you don’t know how to tell people they’ve let you down – it’s hard.

When you feel like you’ve reached out all that you can – it’s hard.

When you’re still lonely – it’s hard.

When you’re still forgotten – it’s hard.

When you’re still left out – it’s hard.

When you exhaust the possibilities for a friend and there’s still none to be found – it’s hard.

When every community you try to find entry to denies you – it’s hard.

When you realize that it’s only Tuesday and that this summarizes your week thus far – it’s hard.

~The Countess~

OBB: Week 3

I can’t believe that it’s been 3 weeks since I recommitted to this. I’m sitting here at this moment snacking on an apple and some light laughing cow cheese with low-fat wheat thins. I just came home from the gym with a run and my strength routine as outlined before. I feel great. I’m looking great and I know it. B grabbed my butt the other day and commented that he could feel the difference as well as see it.

I’m going ahead and getting the stats out of the way now:

Weight: 157 (same)

Hips: 39 (same, -1 overall)

Abs: 36 (same, -2 overall)

Waist: 27 (same)

So absolutely no change this week. I’ve watched Biggest Loser and they all gasp and cry on each other’s shoulders when this happens. It occurs most regularly to the female characters. Why? Because we have periods. And we get bloated and hold on to water weight. Which is exactly what’s happening with me right now.

The lack of weight change doesn’t really surprise me. I’ve been sitting close to this weight since college – sometimes up a few, sometimes down a few. I gained 10 lbs in grad school and put my foot down at 167. It marched right back to 157 and has been sitting there for awhile. And now, I’m working out – I’m converting fat to muscle at a pretty decent rate, so I expect to have to go at it for awhile before I’ll see that number change. Though, the thing is, that I don’t really care if it does or not. I really do just want to be a more toned version of myself right now. I’m cute, I’m curvy (okay, not really, I’m too tall to be curvy) and I like me right now. The number on the scale doesn’t really touch that.

I have to give shout out here to my husband. He has been an amazing supporter. He’s pushing me to the gym daily, but never in a nasty way. He listens to me recap my workout daily. He is constantly encouraging me. I really do think that I’d have given up by now if it wasn’t for him. That, and he’s already approved of my rewards that I’ve picked for walking this path. If I exercise consistently through March then I’m ordering these in April. Right now my goal is at least 4 days a week in February and 5 a week in March. I’m either hitting the gym or doubling up DVD workouts every weekday. Any miss is made up on the weekend. We’re both working on eating healthier, so for now I’m just going to stick with eating veggies and fruit with every meal and cutting to only one soda a day.

Anyway, check back later for a post on my rewards.

~The Countess~