Of Klutziness and Closure

So, I was at work at Gymboree today. Cleaning the gym like I do every Thursday. And I tripped on one of the gym mats. One of the gym mats that our babies crawl and walk over with no problems. And I either broke or severely sprained the fourth toe on my left foot. It hurts like the dickens. But, it hasn’t turned all purpley-black like my foot did the last time I broke a toe. Either way it hurts. And, I feel like such a klutz, regardless. Kind of funny that I teach at a children’s gym and I hurt my toe while cleaning.

As to the closure, well, I turned in my thesis for the final time today. I have paid for it to be archived/published. And I have signed the form saying that I cannot access it anymore. That was my favorite part. It’s gone. I waved good-bye to it and skipped away. (This was before the toe-breaking) And yet, it is so hard to realize that my two years at Rice are drawing to a close. It’s almost unfathomable. And it’s absolutely amazing.

I’m not sure how long I’ll stay out of the academic world. I’m thrilled with this degree and I’m perfectly fine walking away right now. Who knows what will come up later. What I do know is that I am cherishing every day on campus. And every moment here in Houston with my friends. Because, before I know it this will be behind me. There are so many fond memories here. It’s going to be hard to leave, but, I’m excited for the future. Funny then, that closure involves an opening of other opportunities. I love life. It’s so amazing.

~The Countess~

Grad School: A Snapshot

I really thought that I was done with this. And by this, I mean being up until almost 0300 editing my thesis.

You know, I mean, I’ve already written the thing. Six long weeks of actual writing. Six long weeks of late nights turning into early mornings. Six weeks of crashing mid-afternoon due to a lack of sleep. And then, I turned in the whole thing on March 9 and I felt such relief. I went out with friends, I celebrated, I cried. The emotional release was kind of scary.

Right after that, it was back to the editing room as my Chair and I did the final prep for my thesis committee. I thought for sure that nothing would sound sweeter than my professor telling me that my thesis was ready for committee. I came close to crying then, the relief was so great. Of course, this was followed quickly by the on-set of quietly quivering nerves about my upcoming defense. They were always there, sometimes just a nagging thought as I fell asleep. Othertimes a full blown panic attack as I faced the unknown.

Finally, a week ago I defended. Surprisingly, or not, I was strangely calm. I was prepared. I prayed with my mom before going in. I knew (know) the material. Until the last five minutes before I walked in, I was perfectly fine. Those last five minutes I had to practice slow, purposeful breathing. Once I was in the room? It really was a piece of cake. My Chair had my back. And the other professors were inquisitive in a good way. It was actually kind of fun. When my Chair opened the door and told me congratulations…I think the world had to have stopped for a minute. There was a pause. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to lay down and sleep. Instead, I shook their hands and hugged all of them. And said thank you a million times. There was the release. I went out into the parking lot and jumped and screamed and cried. Again, it was followed by an emotional let down, but it was okay, I had passed. It was over.

Except, of course, I had to do the final edits. Which brings us to tonight. I actually tried to go to bed over three hours ago. An hour after that I got up and started editing. Because, once again, I was lying in bed awake, thinking about the work I needed to do on my thesis. Now, I just have to write my acknowledgements and my abstract. And, maybe, move a chapter around. And, I think I’ve realized now, that it won’t really be over until I hand it in to the library along with the form acknowledging that I can no longer access it from that point on. Honestly, I think I knew this before now. I mentioned some time ago, that I was “done” but not really. That, yeah, I was “done” then, but that I’d be “done” again in two weeks, and still not be “done” for another three weeks after that. But, finally, it’s almost done. Seriuously, I mean it this time.

God has been so good and gracious in getting me through this time. Every time I’ve felt lost and alone, because of the frailty of human relationships, he has sent me messages or signs that He is with me and sustaining me. I think I would have cracked by now, if I hadn’t had this support.

Here’s hoping that I only have to be up this late once or twice more in these last two weeks of class. Oh yeah, you read that right. I’m less than two weeks from my final day of classes ever!

~The Countess~

The Sweetest Words

“Congratulations. You’ve passed.”

~The Countess~

The Calm

I’ve just entered the calm. I’m not sure if it’s the calm before the storm, or maybe the eye of the storm, or even the calm right after the storm. I’m defending my thesis in just under two hours, but even typing this isn’t causing me undo concern or a flurry of nerves. I sit here in peace. I feel like I’m in the zone. I’ve reached a focused place, where yes, I can acknowledge that I have nerves, but it’s in a detached way, they (the nerves) aren’t bothering me.

John 14:1  Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I’m ready for this defense. I trust that God is with me. I am resting in his peace.

Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ‘neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.

Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.

~The Countess~

End Game

I’ve hit the end game for my thesis. It weighed in with 75 pages of text. 15,700+ words. Then I added in 3 pages of Bibliography, a Table of Contents, and a Title Page. Total pages turned in to my professor today: 80. And wow, is that an awesome number. I never dreamed that I could do it, but the Lord and my friends carried me through.

I still have to defend and then submit the final copy. Plus write my acknowledgments and an abstract. But, the end game is here. And I am ready.

~The Countess~

Finishing

There is truly nothing as beautiful in the world as crossing a finish line. Of knowing that everything you’ve worked for is now in your hands. Of knowing that your long nights of toiling over word choice is finally behind you. Yes, I still have to edit, but my thesis is essentially done. I know that the editing won’t be a cakewalk, but, actually, it will be compared to writing it in the first place. Because, I have notes for the editing, which automatically makes it better, in my eyes, than writing the thing in the first place. I have endured. I have finished. I’m gloriously happy and completely delirious from lack of sleep. I’ve never felt better.

There were times I questioned if I would make it, but, now I know that I am stronger. I’m not sure it has sunk in yet, but it will, I’ve finished writing my thesis. And man, it feels good.

~The Countess~

I’m fixin’ to…

So, I’m trying to start the next chapter of the thesis. The last time I actually wrote on my thesis was Friday. This really isn’t good. But, exhaustion is pulling at me. I have the chapter divided out into sections and all that I have to do is start writing it. And therein lies the problem. I stare at the blank paper on my screen and my mind is equally blank. I can’t think of a way to segue into the chapter, even though I’ve made several of these transitions already. And I’m being easily distracted by my empty inbox and quiet facebook profile. I’ve already done the crossword puzzle for today and it is now just after midnight. I really should either crack down and get to work or go to bed. And, honestly, I swear…I’m fixin’ to.

~The Countess~

Updating You on Me

I thought about doing a Valentine’s Day post, but I couldn’t decide what pov from which I would portray the day. Would it be the wounderful holiday about love that is realized in my life through the love of God, friends, and family pov? Would it be another single girl Single’s Awareness Day rant? What about just a bitter, this is a stupid overly hyped and commercialized holiday kind of post? And so I decided to not post anything. Besides, I spent an incredibly busy day, teaching music at Gymboree, shopping with a dear friend, going to a dinner the guys for my church threw for the girls with my shopping friend who was my “date” for the evening, and then drinks with my date. So it was a great day. And honestly, I love getting candy and cards from my family in the mail. So, I’m still pro-Valentine’s day even if I am single.

The thesis update is this: 5 chapters down, 42 pages completed, and over 9,700 words written. I cannot believe that I am this close. I really was not sure how I would get here back at the first of January. It seemed so insurmountable at the time. And standing here, so close to the end, and with so much accomplished, I can honestly say that I got here by the grace of God. The way I feel when I’m writing a chapter is the same way I feel when I’m writing songs. And that is that I feel like I am simply a channel or vessel for the Lord to move through. And I feel so incredibly blessed that He is carrying me through this time.

I’m getting really excited about moving to San Antonio. I think it will be a good change for me. As much as I’ll miss my friends here in Houston, with the economy the way it is I really cannot afford to not take the opportunities that have been presented to me in San Antonio. Not to mention that I have some really good friends there and I’ll be closer to family.

~The Countess~

Stay on Target

As of this very minute I have completed 31 pages, 4 chapters, and have written 6,705 words. With a final target of at least 60 pages, I have crossed to the line of halfway to my minimum goal. And I still have a minimum of four and probably five chapters left.

The relief is palpable. I still have a ton to do, but, I’ve made it to the halfway point. And, hopefully by this time tomorrow, give or take a few hours, I will have finished another chapter and another 8-12 pages. Until then, I’m going to get some sleep. I have the rest of this marathon to run afterall.

~The Countess~

Top Ten Signs You Have Awesome Friends

10. They put up with you.

9. They volunteer to meet you and hang out with you while you write your thesis.

8. You know you can call them whenever and they will answer.

7. They are always ready to go hang out/drink/talk/whatever you need with you.

6. They email bad/funny/tacky pics to you before they post them on facebook. And ask your permission to do so.

5. They name your thesis.

4. They know that alcohol should be used to celebrate every milestone.

3. They offer to let you live with them so that you can move to a new city.

2. They come over and study with you until 3:30 am, because they know you study better with someone else there.

1. They volunteer to pray for you for anything, anytime, anywhere.

Blessed

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

- Jeremiah 17:7-8

This one seems self-explanatory.

~The Countess~

One Month

Today marks the one month mark until I turn my thesis in. You know, I think that I’m actually going to be ready on time. Crazy. I’m working on chapter(s) 4/5 right now. They may be two chapters, they may be one, I’m not sure yet. I’m doing the harmonic and form analyses. I’ve finished one dance and am hoping that the others get more interesting, maybe, because, at least this one is easy enough to analyze. Anyways, I’m hoping to finish the analysis and start the writing tonight and have this chapter turned in by Wednesday at the latest. That way I can get another chapter started this week. Because, you know, there’s not that much time left.

There’s a light at the end of the tunnel and, I’m pretty sure it’s the end and not an oncoming train. But, thinking of trains, my new mantra is: I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. As long as I stay focused on what has to be done immeadiately and as long as I don’t try and look at the big picture I’ve been doing okay. If I think of everything that still has to be done I start having panic attacks. But, I think this is fairly normal.

~The Countess~

Endurance

I’ve never run a marathon. I’ve tried to train to run a half-marathon, but haven’t even succeeded at that. But, I do like to run and try to run three miles three times a week. I prefer to pulse run interjected with walking. Everytime I’m in the middle of a running segment I have to set a goal to run to something that is far away, but that I can still see. My attitude about my ability to keep running is directly proportional to my being able to see my goal. And, everytime I go running my endurance is a little bit better – I can run a bit further, a bit longer, a bit faster. Every run still feels like its going to kill me, but I’m learning that the only way to build my endurance is to keep running.

Endurance.

Writing my thesis is a lot like running a marathon I think. Every mile completed in a marathon is something to be celebrated, and yet, you immeadiately upon completion of a mile, you are faced with the necessity of completing the next mile. And then the next one. And then the next one. For 26.2 miles. It’s the same thing with a thesis or dissertation. The completion of every chapter, typically anywhere from 5-15 pages, is worthy of celebration, and indeed, is often the length of a term paper in its own right. And yet, as soon as each chapter is completed the next one is looming, waiting to be written. There is literally no rest for the weary. Not until the marathon is over. Not until the thesis is submitted.

Endurance.

And that’s where the endurance comes in. Because, the hard part isn’t starting a marathon or starting a thesis. It isn’t really even in finishing them. At the finish there are accolades and praise. It’s the middle that’s the tough part. In the middle, every accomplishment is celebrated by taking the next step, by writing the next word. It starts to tear you down, wear you down. You feel as if you just can’t take any more. But, what choice do you have? You’re finishing a thesis. A marathon. But, here’s the thing. The end is in sight. It always is. The final mileage number never changes. The due date is constantly looming, but not as something to be feared, no, the due date is a friend. It offers the comfort of being finished.

Endurance.

Sure, this hurts right now. Sure I really wish I could stop. Just like I wish I could stop running sometimes. But, if I keep running, if I keep writing, then I will know the sense of accomplishment that comes with finishing.

Endurance.

~The Countess~

You might be writing your thesis if…

So, over the course of the last few weeks I’ve noticed certain changes in my behavioral patterns, some deliberate and some unconcious, that can only be ascribed to working on my thesis. Here is a list that is neither complete nor all-encompassing of things that indicate that you are writing your thesis.

You might be writing your thesis if…

You are constantly trying to save everything, from webpages to chat screens, because you are in the habit of hitting ctrl+s while typing.

You spend more nights in than out.

Everything is defined by your due date.

Your friends name your thesis.

You get excited about studying with someone, because hey, that’s a social activity.

You cry tears of joy for every chapter completed.

Every person you bump into asks how your thesis is going.

You quit making sense in normal conversations, either because you are being overly academic or tiredly stupid.

Every day is defined as good or bad depending on how much work you accomplish on your thesis.

You write lists called “You might be writing your thesis if…”

You utter the words, “I wish I could go drinking with you, but I have to work on my thesis.”

You come to hate the word thesis.

You are grateful your friends named your thesis, so you don’t have to call it a thesis.

You think that eating dinner qualifies as a break.

You think that a ten minute g-chat conversation is long.

You resent the time you need for sleep as stealing precious time needed for writing. Ditto for time for driving, showering, etc.

You become incredibly grateful for little breaks.

You find a million ways to kill time and not write on your thesis.

You resent having to do work for other classes.

You find yourself spending a fortune on paper and ink. On the bright side, you’re saving money because you have no time to go out anymore.

You are always on your computer and therefore always on the internet.

You spend more time in the library or at your computer than anywhere else.

~The Countess~

Further Proof

In case the previous posts weren’t warning enough, some interactions with friends today proved that my thesis really is causing me to go insane. Three vignettes from my afternoon.

Vignette 1

(Setting: Rice University Blue on Gray scrimmage. (It is important to note here that Rice’s colors are meant to represent the Union and Confederate colors from the Civil War) Subject: Questionable calls by the ump, aka a coach in favor of the Gray team while they are pitching.)

Friend One: Are you serious? Ahem. What? Those are some liberal calls ump.

Me: Isn’t the ump calling liberal calls in favor of the South a kinda antithetical?

Friends One and Two: *Silence*

Friend One: Is the ump calling liberal calls in favor of the South antithetical?

Me: You know, the South is generally cast as being conservative, liberal calls?

Friends One and Two: *Silence*

Me: I’ve been working on my thesis too much.

Friends One and Two: Yep.

Vignette 2

(Setting: Same baseball practice.)

Friend One (to me with the sun setting behind me): These sunglasses are so good, I can look right at you.

Me: Really? That’s strange, because I can see your eyes.

Friend Two: Your glasses aren’t reflective? Now a girl is going to know if you’re looking at her or checking out another girl.

Friend One: *Taking off glasses to see if he can see through them* Really? You can see my eyes?

Me: Yep. I can see that you have blue eyes on.

Friend One: Blue eyes on?

Me: Shut up. Thesis. (As if this is an excuse against anything I say being utterly stupid.)

Vignette 3

(Setting: Me driving to a friend’s house to work on my thesis. Friends Three and Four call)

Friend Three: So, Four and I have come up with a name for your thesis.

Me: A name?

Friend Three: Yeah, you know since it’s taking up all your time, so we can refer to it by name.

Me: Okay, what is it?

Friend Three: Well, we wanted it to apply to your topic. And, since it’s kinda killing you slowly. We named it “Wilke.”

Me: You named my thesis after the guy who killed President Lincoln?

Friend Three: Yep.

Friend Four: (in the background) Supposedly killed Lincoln. And I helped.

All of this combines to be incontrovertible proof of my further descent into madness.

~The Countess~