Home in Texas

So we were able to safely make the transatlantic journey from Germany to Texas. We’re delighting in being back in the States for a brief while and getting to see friends and family. So, I’m probably going to be absent from Reverb10 for the rest of the year. It’s been a fun ride and I’ve enjoyed the posts – but I’m enjoying spending time with my family more right now. Once I’m back in Germany, I’ll probably go back and do the ones that interest me the most, but, until then, you can pretty much expect my hiatus.

Happy New Year, my friends!

~The Countess~

A Thousand Words

So, right about two months ago now my old laptop up and died. I was on Skype video with a friend when it shut down and wouldn’t turn back on. It turns out I managed to fry my motherboard. Fun, no? B and I had already started researching computers while mine was being diagnosed so we bought my new laptop immediately. Unfortunately, all of my photos, music, and writings are stuck on the old laptop. It’s going with me to Texas for my Dad to try and recover my info.

I am the kind of girl to be hugely attached to my photos. They mean the world to me – little capturings of life. I am often silly and goofy in photos, which is an accurate portrayal of me in real life too. I like to be the silly one. Picking one photo is hard for me. Picking that one photo when the majority of my photos are currently inaccessible is even harder. I would have picked two from my wedding pictures, but I can’t. They’ll be IOU’s for when I get everything recovered.

Instead I’m left trying to decide what to post. There have been so many happy memories captured on film recently- Christmas card photos at a nearby Castle, our trip to Frankenstein’s castle, roaming all over Brugge, and going to Christmas parties. They were all taken by B or myself. They all feature the two of us. In all of them we are happy and on an adventure. So how do I choose? I have to admit that I really can’t. What can I say, I’ve always been so verbose that 1000 words isn’t enough anyway.

Wandering Brugge

We took this one outside one of the museums after having wandered all over looking for the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. It was cold and I had on two pair of socks and plastic bags in my boots because they were leaking cold water in like a seive.

Christmas Card

We decided to send out Christmas cards this year since we had just gotten married and hadn’t had anyone at our wedding. This way, at least family members know what we look like now. The inscription on the card was in German: Ein frohes Weihnachtsfest und alles Gute zum neuer Jahr! We took a bunch of pictures out at Burg Nanstein – a castle about 10 minutes up the road from us. This was the 2nd picture of the day and ended up being our favorite.

Merry Christmas

This last photo is the only one I didn’t take. It was taken at B’s handball team’s Christmas party. Our friend Wonderwoman took the photo for us. It’s definitely one of my favorites of this last year.

All of the photos that were under consideration for making this post involve both B and myself. I am happiest and most myself when I am with him. He makes me stronger, happier, and more beautiful. He is the cause behind the light in my eyes and the lift in my smile. He is my rock and my foundation – stalwart and strong to lift me to greatness I never imagined. Greatness that lies within me and concerns my capacity to love and be loved.

~The Countess~

Going to be okay

Last night was rough. USA Mens Team Handball went into Canada up one game and just needed to lose by less than 4 to advance to the PanAm games in Guadalajara next October. With 90 seconds to go they just needed to score one goal or keep Canada from scoring two. They led 2-0 in the first overtime period before finally falling 5-2 in OT. We stayed up until the bitter end at 0330. The letdown was huge. Yes, there is a second chance tourney to fight for another berth to the PanAm’s, but, this was the easiest and best chance they had. There is no guarantee that the organization will even pursue this option. There’s definitely no guarantee that they’ll pursue it in time.

See, B is one of their athletes, but he’s also USAF. So, if USA Team Handball doesn’t declare their intentions to keep pursuing the PanAm’s and the Olympics pretty close to immediately then he and the other military players will be released to regular duty. For B this means a return to his previous job as a cop and probable deployment in 2011. It means the same for most of the other soldier-athletes.

It was a rough night. B’s still sleeping off the meds he finally took to help him sleep. I just wanted to melt down and cry – from the elation we had felt at them winning the 1st game to the devastation as our hopes and dreams for the next year died. Yet, we still have each other – will always have each other now. We aren’t stuck in Minot anymore. We’ll survive the next year, whether that involves a 2nd chance tourney or a deployment. We have each other and we’re going to be okay. And that’s something that no one can take away from us.

~The Countess~

My new name

My first name is not super popular. It never gets above the top 300. There is a reality celeb running amok with my name right now and I wish she would just stop. But I love my name.

All of us kids have special names from my parents – my brother is a 4th so his name comes down with the history of a long-passed on family name. My sister is named after one of my mom’s friends from highschool’s daughter. Did you follow that? Yeah, I really don’t either – but needless to say her name doesn’t even get ranked it’s so rare. There are pretty popular twists on it, but not her name exactly. And then there’s my name. I’m not named for anyone specifically. Mom actually thought she made my name up while watching the 1985 Superbowl. She was 3-4 months pregnant with me at the time (yeah, I just revealed my age) and was playing with last names of the different players. She came up with my name, and the rest is history. I love sports just as much as she does, so I love that my name is a reflection of that.

The name that I am frantically working on changing right now is my last name. I got married in August and we moved to Germany in September which didn’t leave a lot of time to legally change my last name. But my passport expires in 6 months and if I’m going to get a new one, then I want it to have my new last name. I adore my new last name. It’s in the first half of the alphabet – so my kid’s won’t be screwed by having a late letter last name like I did as a kid. It is very obviously Irish in origin and it just flows.

I adore my names. They are a part of who I am. I am not a Stacey, Michelle, or Lucy – I am just me. And I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world – not even for a day.

~The Countess~

Resolved Traveling

My New Year’s Resolution for 2010 was to travel more. Be it road trips to spend weekends with girlfriends or to see more of my country and world, I had decided that I didn’t want to stay stuck in SA with no excursions to other places. Ummm, yeah, I blew that one out of the water. To be fair, I did make this decision knowing that I had entered willingly into a long distance relationship – but, really, I’d only been dating the guy for 3 weeks and had no idea how that would turn out.

I kept my promise to myself. In mid January, I drove to H-town for the weekend just to see some old friends. In early February, I flew to Montgomery, AL to visit my new boyfriend. At the end of March and May, I flew to Minot, ND again to visit B. In July, I packed up a trailer and drove the 1500 miles from SA to Minot in order to be with B. 6 weeks later we roadtripped from Minot to Grand Rapids to the Detroit area to Boston. Once in Boston we boarded a plane and flew to Germany. Since being here in Germany we’ve made a bunch of little trips to Mannheim, Heidleberg, Muinch, Brugge Belgium, and so many other places. We have one final trip planned – this one back to Texas before the year lets out. To say the least, I’ve kept my promise to myself of traveling.

Our little trips are something we want to keep up as we go into 2011. We’re well aware of the fact that we have an amazing opportunity right now. We’re childless (note that this is by choice) and in Europe. We’re young and in love and living in Germany. B is on a really awesome job rotation right now where his schedule is super flexible as is mine. We know that our fairy-tale life could be crashed back to reality very easily and we would be living back within familiar restrictions of long work rotations and looming deployments. That said, we want to make the most of the time we have and travel like crazy.

In 2011 we want to:

Visit Paris

See the Vatican

Go back to Brugge

Explore the Alps

Trek to Salsbourg

Take a tour of Germany’s Castles

Hop over to London to visit my cousin

Be at his brother’s graduation in CO

Go on our honeymoon

I have a feeling that this list is just going to keep getting longer. One of B’s highschool friends is moving to Germany in February and that will definitely be a motivating factor to sight see with him. Not to mention all the family and friends who are planning on coming to visit us over here.

~The Countess~

I’m in the future too

Dear K,

Remember the song Letter to Me? About the guy writing a letter to himself at 17? We loved that song didn’t we. It made so much sense to realize that everything may seem unmanageable right now, but it’s so awesome to know that we’ve made it through. The idea that we could go back and communicate, tell ourself to hang in there because it’s not that bad and actually really good. To be able to tell ourself to cherish that these are the good times.

Hold on to this next year. It’s going to be amazing. I know that you’re wondering right now if USA beats Canada tonight and Thursday. Whether they do or not is what determines how your year will be. I’m not going to tell you who wins. You’re going to have an amazing year. It’s going to be filled with firsts – seeing the Eiffel Tower, having friends come visit you in Germany, and of course your first wedding anniversary. I know, you want me to tell you if B is around to celebrate it, but what you have to remember is that you’ll be celebrating it on the day whether you are together or not and if you aren’t together then you’ll celebrate it the next time you are.

Enjoy this time. You two are childless and in Europe. You have an awesome dog that you can take with you. BTW, whenever a deployment does come up, you’re going to be so glad that the two of you decided to get a dog. He’s no B, but at least the house isn’t empty when you come home. You get to see so many amazing places in the next year. You and B have an amazing time together no matter where you go, no matter what you do, and no matter who else is with or around you.

I know you have some other concerns – yes, you and B keep getting better at communicating. All of your “practice” conversation nights really pay off. He learns to open up so much. You also learn to recognize what his opening up looks like. It’ll never be like yours – but that doesn’t mean that it’s bad. The good news is that the more you two talk about just general random stuff, the more comfortable you both feel about bringing things up. You learn how to address subjects without becoming defensive or putting the other on the defensive. You figure out each other’s moods and silences and trust me, life with B just keeps getting better.

As for the ex, if I remember correctly you came to a good turning point about it last night. You asked B about his friends travel plans and he included her in that list – though with the group he didn’t want to meet up with. You were so relieved because he friend-listed her and because he didn’t want to meet up with her in Italy because he wanted you all to himself there. Keep holding on to that feeling. Because it helps you not care if he does email her. You’re going to realize that it says more about him and his loyalty and her and her inability to let go than the other way around. And the honestly, the longer you are with B the more you learn that she was never a threat to you – it was always the other way around.

2011 and the years beyond it are going to be amazing. You and B are going to have so much fun. There will be trials. There will be hardships. There will be deployments that feel like they are never going to end. There are also going to be new friends, fun adventures, and long hours of just being husband and wife together. I’m almost jealous that you are in the past and get to live through those first few years of marriage again – except that it keeps getting better.

~The Countess~

Avoidance

It’s funny, because, when I first started Reverb10 I was all excited to reflect on the last year because it’s been the best year of my life. Now, that’s still true, but throughout this process I’ve come to realize that this year has been filled with a lot of hurt too. Hurt that I glossed over at the time because I didn’t want to face it. I didn’t want it to mar my perfect year. And yet, the hurts have been hiding lurking underneath my happiness eroding and undermining my emotional stability.

I’ve been avoiding the hurts by pretending they aren’t there. I’ve been avoiding the pain by not confronting the people who caused them. I haven’t been willing to go up to anyone and tell them how they hurt my feelings and why. Well, that’s not quite true, but I haven’t been willing to stick with it until the behaviors changed. I’ve been working on a post about my acceptance of my inability to change people, and yet, B is right when he tells me that my version of acceptance looks more like giving up. I’m giving up on their ability to change. I’m stealing their ability to even try and change by not even giving them a chance.

I’ve avoided telling anyone that it hurts when all they want to do is tell me their problems and they don’t want to celebrate my happiness with me. I’ve avoiding telling anyone that dumping all their problems on me without letting me share some of my burden is destroying my desire to be friends with them. I’ve avoided telling anyone that their lack of communication has hurt me. I’ve avoided telling anyone that I don’t like the status quo and that I want it to change. I’ve avoided telling anyone that I’m not happy with a way a situation has been handled. I’ve avoided taking responsibility for my part in any of it.

I know now that I have been avoiding all of this, but, I’m still not sure what I’m going to do about it. When my hormones are acting up then I’m all gung-ho for confronting people yet when they’re in a normal range I’m much more likely to let it go. I do feel that a large part of it is mine to let go, but I also want to give people a chance to be willing to change and become a happier part of my life.

So am I going to keep avoiding or build towards confrontation? I’m not sure yet. Some of it I know I won’t be able to ignore for much longer. Some of it I’m pretty sure that I can just accept that it’s how it’s going to be. It’s the rest of it that I still have to figure out.

~The Countess~

Pretending

Healing and I aren’t on a speaking basis right now. It isn’t running on my schedule so I don’t want to speak to it. I figure that if it isn’t doing it’s job than I shouldn’t have to communicate with it. Period.

I’ve been doing a lot of pretending recently. Pretending to not be lonely so that I don’t feel the sting of losing friends to time and distance. Pretending that everything’s okay when people talk to me because they don’t have the time or energy to hear how things really are sometimes. Pretending that I’m not bothered by situations when I am. Pretending like I’m over a hurt when I’m not.

Of course, I’m aware that the pretending halts my healing process. It’s not like I can actually get over having hurt feelings when I’m busy pretending they aren’t there. Rather, the hurt just keeps piling up. Which makes it harder to heal.

I’m working towords letting go, accepting, and healing. The first two are another post coming very soon. But they precipitate healing. I can’t heal until I let go of the wounds. Until I accept that I cannot change people.

I think that I’ve been living with wounds inflicted by people close to me for a large part of my life. And perversely enough, I think I’ve learned to like the way it feels to be hurt – emotionally, not physically. I have a hard time letting go. Therefore I have a hard time healing. Therefore I’m not on good terms with healing right now.

~The Countess~

Try

I hate the word try. It’s up there with tolerance for one of my most hated words. As hokey as it sounds, I really am a do or do not kind of girl. I feel like we only try at things we’ve already determined we won’t do or won’t like. It’s saved for something we expect to find distasteful.

Try a bite, it won’t kill you. Can’t you just try and be nice. Try to let it go. Try. Try. Try. Take a bite, it won’t kill you. Be nice. Let it go. There’s no trying involved. Trying comes in when you don’t actually want to do it but you want to pretend that you do.

I’ve been “trying” to let go of this situation with B’s ex for months now. No wonder it’s still bothering me. For some reason, I don’t want to let it go so I tell myself some bullshit about trying to let it go and continue to wallow in how it makes me feel. It’s not a pretty picture of me, but it is an accurate one of my view of the word try.

~The Countess~

Lessons Learned

What is it about learning that makes it such a painful process sometimes? I mean, why can’t knowledge be harmlessly assimilated without brutal all-nighters and nerve-wrecking tests? And why is it that the lessons learned in school are so useless in real life? The School of Hard Knocks is a harsh task master. The lessons learned there may stick, but they come with bruises that imprint themselves on your soul and forever mark and change you.

Some lessons, like learning to drive on ice, have proven relatively harmless – slightly stressed nerves and a few losses of traction, but overall just a slower pace combined with careful steering and braking. Others, like how to accept your husband’s ex being in your newly combined life, comes with sleepless and teary nights. Still others, like how each new form of birth control will screw with your hormones, are neither fun nor particularly useful. Each lesson teaches something important, be it a practical daily skill, a coping mechanism, fun activities, or how to have a hard but meaningful conversation.

Moving twice this year came with lessons on how to tow a trailer, how to know when to pull off because you’re about to burst into tears thanks to the stupid radio, how to combine two households into one, how to sell a car, how to pack, unpack, and repack in less than a month, how to live with 2 suitcases of belongings for 2 months, how to find an apartment and sign a lease in a foreign country. The list goes on and on.

Marriage has taught me how to put another person before myself on a daily basis, how to compromise on wants, how to pick an activity when neither of you care, how to work through problems, how to love, how to be loved, to appreciate the quiet moments, to speak up when something bugs me, to listen, to ask the right questions.

There really is a lesson available in pretty much every moment of life. Some are fun and easy to learn. Others are hard and painful or embarrassing. They’re all important though. Each lesson we learn becomes a part of what makes us individuals. We just have to be on the lookout for the particular lessons that are being taught to us so that we don’t miss anything important.

~The Countess~

Friends

Friends make my world go round. Seriously. They do. I have a bunch of amazing friends who have helped me so much this year. From being sounding boards and listening ears to cheerleaders and penpals, my friends have been amazing at helping me stay on top of life. There are so many that there’s no way I could list them all, I almost don’t want to do this challenge because I don’t want to leave anyone out or hurt any feelings. Which is why I’m just picking two people for their friendships.

The first friendship that rocked my world in 2010 is my relationship with B. Now, you might be thinking that he’s my significant other – and he is – but he’s also a friend. He started the year as my boyfriend and is ending it as my husband. B opened up my world. Before him I’d had no successful relationships, I’d never planned on moving out of Texas, and I was honestly in a happy to be single and not looking to date mode. I had finally hit a place of acceptance at being a career woman for the time being. Then he came along and I started flying to see him every other month with him coming to visit me inbetween. By February he’d asked me to start considering moving in with him come the summer. The biggest lesson I’ve learned from my relationship with him is that love is worth the scary risks.

The second friendship that made it’s mark in 2010 did so in a quieter way. When emjaye came and found my blog from the black hole of blogdom and started leaving encouraging comments I was surprised and comforted. She seemed to know exactly what to say to help me feel better. I wandered back over to her blog and found fun stories and realness. She makes me laugh, she sometimes makes me cry, but she always shows me how to be real in my writing. Emjaye has taught me that friendships don’t have to start face-to-face to be special and important. She’s been one of my biggest supporters since I’ve moved and I know that I can count on her for advice to keep me moving or validation of troubling feelings.

Both of these friendships came out of nowhere for me. B and I had already started dating by 2010, but I wasn’t looking for him to be in my life when we did meet. And I didn’t really expect him to stick around after we went long distance. He did and now he’ll be sticking around for life. As for emjaye, well, she showed up from the oblivion of the internet and made a huge impact on me. She’s stuck with me now too, though I guess the good news is that means if she ever gets a hankering to see Germany, she has a place to stay.

~The Countess~

Forget Me Not

One of my greatest fears in life is being forgotten. I’ve always felt like the girl who can be the life of the party until she leaves the room and then no one remembers her name. I worry that my friends only remember me as a friend if I contact them and that no one wants or remembers to reach out to me unless I start the conversation. Blogging has really helped this, because I’ve had many people reach out to me and show me that they remember me, even if they’ve never met me.

My next biggest fear is forgetting. I am made up of a collection of memories, learned behaviors, and independent thoughts – if I forget those then I lose an essential part of myself. Now, that’s not to say that there aren’t some periods in my life that I wouldn’t mind forgetting. Like six weeks of 2008 just before Labor Day…or is that Memorial Day…I always forget which comes first, but I want to forget the period right before the second. I may have learned some lessons, but, they sucked and learning them sucked even more. Still, what I learned during that time has played a key role in who I am as a person now.

2010 is different though. There isn’t a moment in 2010 that I would choose to forget. And there isn’t a moment that I wouldn’t mourn losing. Mostly because this year has been phenomenal, but partly because I feel like I reached a pinnacle of my life this year. 2010 is filled to the brim with memories of falling in love, getting married, moving, and making a new life for myself.

Still, this challenge is what I would do if I found out that I only had 5 minutes to remember everything important from 2010. It’s probably a good thing that I’m a fanatic about writing things down, because I have all of the dates of B and I’s dates and visits recorded down along with photographic evidence of quite a bit of it.

Here’s what I most don’t want to forget:

8 January when B first told me that he loved me. Introducing him to my parents and then meeting his parents several months later. The heady rush of love one night in the middle of a 3 hour phone conversation when he said that he loved me. The giddiness I felt the first time he told me to not renew my work contracts because I probably wouldn’t be in SA the next year if he had anything to say about it. Every moment of every trip I took to visit him. Every step along the path of falling head over heels in love. The floating happiness from the moment he proposed on 7 August. Shopping for my engagement ring with him and having to explain that I would wear this ring for the rest of my life. The crazy struggle to find someone to marry us with less than a week’s notice. Marrying the man of my dreams and my best friend on 17 August. The stress and hardship of both moves because those led me to the joy of living in a new place. Crying in my car as I crossed the Red River on my way out of Texas and again later when God Bless Texas came on the radio. Finding and furnishing our first home together. The anticipation of giving B his Christmas gift. Going to Brugge, Belgium with my husband. Losing my virginity. Saying goodbye to my parents on 23 July and calling them 10 times as I drove out of SA. Pulling a trailer for the first time, loaded with all my belongings across 1500 miles of empty roads. Drinking in a German bar for the first time. Waking up to my first Thanksgiving married to a world of snow.

Even with all of that, there’s so much more that I would be heartbroken to forget. This really has been a most amazing year. And remembering it – the good and the bad – is what will shape whto I am for an even better 2011.

~The Countess~

Appreciate

This year has been a learning experience to say the least. Especially in the art of appreciation. I guess I never knew what I was blessed to have until I moved away from it all, twice. And then, once it wasn’t right there beside me anymore, I appreciated it, because of the void it left in my life. Above and beyond the void left, was the void filled by people stepping up and staying close. So what have I learned to appreciate this year?

My Family  – They’ve always been there for me. But they really rose to the occasion this last year. From walking in on an uncle asking my Mom how he could pray for me about my move to ND (very clearly wanting her to ask him to pray that I’d change my mind) only to have her ask for prayers of safety and blessings, to the level of commitment they have shown to staying in touch. My sister logs on to Skype every morning at 0500 her time to talk to me before she goes to work. My mom installed Skype on her computer, my Dad has it on his phone. B’s family has a weekly call with us and his mom emails me regularly. Family has rallied around me to show their love all year long.

My Friends - From my blog friends to my “real life” friends, I am blessed by the people in my life. They’re there for me with advice and words of comfort and instruction. They build me up and cherish me. I just spent 1.5 hours on the phone with Shiny and her precious new baby and I am so appreciative of our friendship right now.

Technology -  Seriously, this last year has taught me how wonderful technology is. Especially Skype. I mean, I live in Germany and I can still call, talk to, and see, family and friends back home. I don’t think I could survive if I didn’t have that available to me.

B – A year ago, I was gearing up to say goodbye to the man I’d been dating for 3 weeks. He was heading back to his home base from training. He’d asked me to visit him when he came back to the South for another training course in January. I had said yes, and I meant it, but, I still didn’t know how things would work out. I’d already started to fall in love with him. This Friday, as we hit the year mark on him leaving SA we also hit the 4 month mark of being married. He is so sensitive to my needs, my wants, my desires. He spoils me something fierce. And I am so thankful to have him in my life.

I love reflecting on what I’m thankful for. Mostly because it reminds me of how good I have it. I used to be the ultimate optimist, but that has given away to a realism that sometimes keeps me from seeing the bright side of life. Listing out what I’m thankful for reminds me that I have so much going for me.

~The Countess~

Lights, Camera, Action!

Taking action has never been hard for me. I have a much harder time sitting back and waiting. Patience may be a virtue, but it isn’t my virtue. I’m a woman of action – if I want something then I set the plan in motion to get it. I’m pretty good at following through too. Once I decide on something the action is the easy part. Still, there are definitely things I want to take action on in 2011.

Photography – B gave me an awesome (and I do mean awesome) new camera for Christmas. It’s all shiny and takes fabulous photos. It’s also really easy to use. I’ve developed a minor interest in photography. I know that I’ll never be a professional or even a pro-am qualifier, but, I want my vacation photos to be more than just the typical touristy snapshots. My plan to put this in to action is to start by taking lots of pictures. I know that the more that I take the more likely I am to get the fun and unique shots that I’m looking for.

Travel – Yeah, I mean, I’m only living in Germany, with all kinds of travel opportunities in front of me. We have a goal of taking overnight trips every break in games played. We’re on hold for putting some of the plans into action until 23 Dec. That’s when we find out if we have another year of this awesome program or not. If not, then our travel will be a bit more limited. Still, my way to put this in action is to prioritize the places I want to visit and keep an eye out for deals on traveling and staying there as well as what I want to see at each location. That way when we get the green light to go somewhere it’s already planned and we can just go.

Writing – Reverb 10 has been my first foray into scheduled posting every day. I really like it. B knows that I have to get this blog updated and keep our family one current as part of my daily/weekly schedule. It’s awesome to have made it a priority and I want to keep it that way in 2011. Even if I don’t post every day, I want to write everyday. Be it here, or over at LEA, or on one of the stories that I’m working on. My action for this is to maintain the time I have set aside to write every day. Luckily for me, B is also a writer, so he understands needing to write.

Scrapbooking – One of my cousin’s started a scrapbook for me for my last birthday. She did it when I mentioned not having a leatherbound copy of my thesis and she decided to make me a leather bound manifesto of my life. I bought pages to add to it and then moved twice. I also got married in that time, but, now I have lots of good pictures and mementos to put in it too. Just like writing, I plan on setting aside time weekly to work on this. Most of my time is going to be gleaned by going online less.

Staying in touch – At the same time that I cut back my meaningless web-browsing, I want to build up meaningful connections. I’m going to start setting and keeping Skype dates with friends and family back in the States. Whether we video call, regular call, or just chat, I want to have more conversations with friends and family back home.

Action, for me, is the fun part. It’s the time when everything falls into place or goes awry. It’s the time when things happen. It’s my favorite part of plans.

~The Countess~

Connected

Today’s Reverb 10 prompt is supposed to be about when I felt the greatest connection or unity between my mind and body. Honestly, I don’t ever feel disconnected between the two. I’m a professional musician, so my job is to link mind and body. I don’t think of myself as distinct units inhabiting the same spacial displacement. I am not a mind, a soul, and a body. I cannot be divided into equal parts made up of the intellectual, physical, and spiritual. All three are combined and irrevocably linked to make me. My semi-clutzy ways are as much me as my mental acuity or my spiritual sensitivities. I can’t break myself down into separate pieces.

Which makes it hard for me to write about when I felt most connected. Because I never feel disconnected. At least, not within me. Outside of me, yes, I often feel more disconnected than I do connected. I think that’s part of why I blog, I’m searching for a connection somewhere with someone. Now, I have a great connection with my husband and he’s definitely my rock, my grounding force. But, I still crave connections with other people. Friends, family, and sometimes even strangers. I have an intense desire to know that I am connected. I’m definitely not an island. Which, is a huge part of why I blog – to connect with others in as many ways as I possibly can.

Since I started this blog I’ve reached out and met foster mom’s, other twenty-somethings, survivors, and just all around cool people. They’ve been some of my biggest supporters since I’ve moved. It’s not weird for them to not be able to call or see me, because they always contact me via the internet. And they’re always around to gift the right words to lift my spirits and help me carry on. Just like I try to be there for them.

Connections are waiting all around us to be made. The real question is if we are willing to open our eyes to them and be ready to embrace them when they happen.

~The Countess~