The Vanity of Sizing

I’ve made no secret of my quest for weight loss here. Even though this isn’t a “weight-loss blog” I have done several challenges both with others and by myself to lose weight. I started the year with my Operation Bikini Body that was a focused attempt to find the confidence to wear a bikini as well as working to tone up. With Beat the Heat, I set and met an actual weight loss goal.

Today? I feel great about myself – yes, I still want to knock off some weight and continue to get into better shape. But, I’ve come so far. How do I know this? Because today, I found a cute pair of jeans at the BX – dark, straight legged, dressy denim trousers. The kind of jean that is my weakness. And they’re by Michael Kors – so they’re gorgeous and well designed.

I bought them in a size 10.

Yep, I’ve lost 11 lbs and moved up a size. At least, in this designer’s clothes. For most, I wear an 8. For some a 6 and now a 10 too. And that’s the vanity of sizing.

I saw last week over on My Fitness Pal, a whole group of girls going off against losing to a number goal on the scale – you know because that’s unhealthy to fixate on a certain weight – and instead were intent on meeting a size goal.

I want to be an 8. I want to be a 2. I want to wear size 4. I want to get to single digit clothes.

It’s a false goal. I can go into the right stores and buy all size 4 clothes. How do I know? Because a friend of mine who is the exact same height/weight/proportions as me (almost, I have bigger boobs) wears size 4 from these companies. Or, I can shop designers like Michael Kors and be bumped back up to a 10. Mostly I fit right into the 6-8 category.

I worked for White House Black Market for 6 weeks during grad school. Besides being a staunch reminder that I don’t want to work retail, I learned a lot about sizing during that time. My favorite manager said that if he could cut the size tags out of clothes he would. And he had a great point. These beautiful women would come in to our store – they’d be size 8s, 10s, 12s, and 14s – and beautiful. And every one of them would try to wear clothes too small for them. We did our best to get them into clothes that fit them, regardless of size, but it was a lost cause with some.

I understand trying to be free of the tyranny of the scale. An arbitrary number doesn’t do anyone any good. But the same is true for the size of clothes. I knew a girl who was a size zero – beautiful, slender, perfect for her body shape. When she got married, she had to buy a size 4 wedding gown and she almost had a nervous breakdown about being “so big.”

I have gone through phases where I wouldn’t buy a cute pair of pants because they were 10s or 12s and “I don’t wear that size” was all that my brain would say.

Working at WHBM really helped me to dress my body and not a number, though that always needs tweaking. But, I would so much rather look good in an outfit, than be squeezed like homemade sausage into casing, just to have a lower number on the tag. I’m proud of my size 10 Michael Kors jeans – they fit me fabulously – with a curved butt and flat abs.

Just remember, that numbers – be it on the scale or on the tag of clothes – can either be arbitrary or meaningful. The number itself does not reflect on the value of the person. Or sometimes, the actual size. Strive to look and feel good for yourself – not for some standard that society tells you that you should achieve.

And the next time you go shopping? Grab your normal size plus one above and one below. Buy the one that fits the best. Not the number that you want to represent yourself. Trust me, you’ll be happier in well fitting clothes.

~The Countess~

Can We Talk About This?

B and I have a horrible habit. Truly, it’s scary and it’s unhealthy. It’s one of those things that subtly goes unmentioned when people are talking about happily ever after. But, it’s there, so I’m talking about it. It goes something like this:

B: So, what do want to do today?

Me: I don’t know what do you want to do?

B: I asked you first so you pick.

Me: But, I don’t know, you should at least give me options.

B: Fine, your options are play video games, just chill, or watch something.

Me: But that’s everything. Fine. I want to just chill.

Or like this:

Me: What do you want to do for lunch? (normally said while we’re out on base running errands)

B: I don’t know…

Me: Well, I don’t want to eat at Chili’s or Popeyes. But, I’m open to the BX or BK.

B: I don’t know…

B: *drives to BK*

This habit sadly started on our very first date. We met up at the zoo in SA and wandered around looking at all the cute animals. We held hands, hugged, and I dropped back to back Harry Potter and Douglas Adams references to guarantee a second date. We spent close to three hours at the zoo from 1400-1700…and then we talked until 2100 that night. We even got in his car once and drove around for 30 minutes. But we didn’t eat dinner. Neither one of us wanted to make such a simple suggestion as grabbing dinner together. So instead? We hung out in the parking lot just talking. (Okay, and maybe making out.)

Recently though, I’ve started to realize just how un-good this habit is. Namely, while I don’t want to state a preference between the BX and BK for lunch, it drives me nuts if he just decides without talking to me. Or that while he won’t say he cares between reading and playing a video game with me…he’s sort of hoping that I’ll pick the video game.

Hence, our newest phrase – Can we talk about this? Also manifested as – Can we have a conversation about this? Now we both state our preferences and work to a mutual agreement on things. It’s so healthy and grown up and almost makes me want to gag. I kid. Mostly.

Last night’s dinner conversation went like this:

Me: So…what are you thinking about dinner. (note: we were supposed to cook Chinese food last night)

B: I don’t really want Chinese.

Me: Oh good, I didn’t really want to cook it now either.

B: What else is in the house?

Me: I’m not sure, not a lot.

B: So what do you want to do for dinner?

Me: I already asked you that, can we talk about it?

B: Sure, I don’t really have a preference to anything.

Me: I don’t want to cook, but I’d be happy eating at Quda, Chili’s, or Pizza Hut.

B: All of those sound good to me, but I don’t really want to drive to K-town tonight.

Me: Okay, so no Pizza Hut then.

B: Yeah, I think I’d like to grab a doner at Quda’s and just eat it here.

Me: Sweet, that sounds good to me.

The differences are subtle. I left off the part where I nixed all the fast food options on base because I’m just tired of them. But, instead of one of us trying to force the other into making the decision about what we eat or do…we’re working as a team to come up with it. Maybe this isn’t a big problem for most couples, but it’s definitely something we run into on a regular basis. Neither one of us wants to rock the boat and we both have a strong dislike of changing plans…even when we don’t want to do what is planned.

I’m very hopeful that this new conversation tactic will start making it easier for us to decide what to do with our time. I’m also on a personal mission to actually state my preferences and not force my husband to try and guess them.

~The Countess~

It’s Business

There’s something inexplicably empowering about being in business for yourself. You set your hours, your success is dependent solely on yourself, and there’s no boss to growl at you if you decide to take a mental health day. On the flip side, you have to stay accountable.

When I was in college, part of my piano pedagogy training involved seminars on how to run your own business. We covered the topic of taxes, insurance, contracts, schedules, and interviews. While useful, they were also all too brief. And, in the long run, nothing but actual practice teaches you what works best for you.

For instance, every seminar I ever attended advocated having your student sign a contract. The contract generally stipulates a length of time (semester, school year, number of months) that the student will have lessons during. The lesson length, price, and policies are all included. It protects the teacher from students just disappearing part way through the year. It gives you something to reference when they try to argue your policies.

I don’t use a contract.

My reasoning is simple, we are all military families stationed overseas. When B and I moved here, it was on short notice orders – we had less than 6 weeks from getting notified to having to be in country. That’s just the military life. I can’t hold students to a length of time that they themselves don’t know if they can fulfill. I give them my policies when they sign up, but there is nothing for them to sign. Nothing to keep them from leaving me…well, besides the lack of English speaking teachers in the area…

Another part of the flexibility that I offer my students, is that I don’t charge them for missed lessons. A lot of teachers hold to the policy that you pay for a time slot each week. I hold that you pay for the lessons that I teach. If you miss, then you don’t pay, but you also don’t get a make up lesson. So far this has worked really well for me.

The downside to the personal aspect of the services I charge, is that my clients often forget that this is a business for me. When we first moved here, I didn’t have a piano so I traveled to my students homes. I warned them all that should I buy a piano while here, that this would change. Lo and behold, I bought a piano this last summer after numerous problems with the studio where I was renting hours.

Most of my students are making the transition with grace. I offered an out to a few students who I know cannot travel – they pay an increased fee and had to move to times that were easier for me to travel to them. But I’m only traveling to 4 families. Two moved to the morning hours when no one else could take, the other two live close enough to me that it isn’t a big deal to me, but is to them due to their current circumstances.

A few of my students are taking this as a personal affront and have been very difficult in regards to scheduling. One family ignored my email requesting the times they wanted for three weeks, and then became upset when I didn’t have the time they wanted. They’re forgetting that this is my business. And I have to run it that way.

Again, it’s hard. I develop close relationships with my clients. It is hard to have to tell them that I can no longer teach them. But sometimes I have to.

When I traveled to my students, I lost at least 1 lesson slot for every lesson that I taught. Not only was that lost money in terms of time, but then I had to spend gas as well. It also reduced the number of students that I could teach.

It’s business. It can be crazy fun and fulfilling; but it can also be tough. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

~The Countess~

By the way, if you have popped over here to check out my Croatia pics yet, you should. They’re really awesome.

Please Don’t

Please don’t try and tell me you’ve practiced. I’m not dumb, you’re not my first student, and I can tell. Lying to me only makes it worse, I promise.

Please don’t act like you understand what a LDR is unless you actually do. And no, your boyfriend being a 2 hour drive from you is not long distance. Sorry, but, you don’t understand.

Please don’t give me a litany of excuses, I don’t care, you’re paying me regardless. The only exception for this is if they’re funny and will provide good blog fodder.

Please don’t dig for information more personal than you deserve. If I want to volunteer it, that’s one thing, but if I’m throwing up stop signs, then stop.

Please don’t tell me that I’m not really married because I didn’t have a church wedding. Or that my marriage is somehow less because it happened at a courthouse and there was no white dress.

Please don’t forget to actually cancel your lesson. Just not showing up will piss me off and one day I just might decide to not show up.

Please don’t think that you know more than I do. I am 3 times your age, have been playing piano for twice as long as you’ve been alive and I’ve been teaching since before you were born.

Please don’t tell me that moving to Germany was a perfect substitute for a honeymoon. Unless you’d like to give up yours just for that too. Now, if you have given up your honeymoon to move here and you know what it’s like to finally just pick a vacation and call it your honeymoon, that’s one thing. But if you tell me one more time that living here is my honeymoon, I may slap you. Or just tell you that living here is your grand European vacation.

Please don’t expect me to pick up your portion of the check. I will not combat split a meal with you. I will pay for what I ordered, you can pay for what you order. No I don’t even want to trade turns in picking up the tab unless it’s for a special situation. You like to drink 3 pitchers of beer with dinner, I like my one coke zero. I don’t want to pay the difference and I shouldn’t have to.

Please don’t set up a time to chat/talk/whatever with me and then blow me off. It doesn’t make it likely that I’ll try again. I get that you have to get up early for the time, but I have to take time off in the middle of my day. Or I have to stay up late.

Please don’t push subjects past their breaking point. Learn when to drop a subject, I’d hate to have to drop you instead.

Please don’t forget to pay me. And could you please bring exact change? It’s not that hard.

Please don’t tell me I charge too much for lessons. I’m charging almost half of what I used to charge. I’m the lowest price you will find in this area.

~The Countess~

Writing it out

I have read many times that when you’re upset with someone you should write them a letter and then burn it. Deleting it is probably more appropriate terminology for today, but the advice has always intrigued me. I mean, how does dwelling on how you’re upset with someone make things better? How does rehashing what it is that upsets you get you over it? Especially since you don’t give it to the person. I couldn’t figure out how it would help. Until I tried it.

I was upset with B today. Nothing major, just a little something that had gotten under my skin. Only, it had gotten in there deep like a nasty splinter and was festering. Now, B is gone all day everyday this week with his handball training. So, I couldn’t even talk it out with him. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Because it made me feel jealous and petty. And I don’t like feeling that way.

I opened up a word document and started typing. My goal was to lay out my thoughts so I could talk about them with him when he got home tonight. I didn’t hold back, I was very specific with why I was upset about the situation. I then had to go teach a lesson. When I came home it was still open so I started over. I again wrote out why I was upset but it focused on just the one thing about the situation that actually upset me. I was able to set aside a lot of the silliness and focus on what actually hurt me. The last time I wrote it I got about two lines. The document has been closed unsaved now. The words are a memory. So to is the slightly crazed upsetness that I experienced this morning.

Why? I just wrote about it. I didn’t talk to him about it at all. I haven’t solved any part of the so-called problem. It’s all still there. The only thing I can figure is that by writing it out I validated my own feelings. I told myself that it was okay to be upset by this situation. I allowed myself to feel these things instead of denying them. I also was able to distill through all the hormones and perceived jealousies to the heart of the issue. I plan on addressing that with B. But it will be sans all the crazy girl-ness that he might of gotten without this exercise.

What can I say? I’m a believer in this now. I was able to process a lot of junk without exposing my husband to it. Next time you want to just light into someone, stop and write out why. And then trash it. Keep doing it until you get the emotions out. The results might just surprise you.

~The Countess~

Where it Belongs

The past is a tricky thing. We all have things in our pasts that we aren’t proud of. Things that maybe we wish we hadn’t done. Things in our love’s pasts that maybe we wish they hadn’t done. But they were in the past. And there they must remain.

Now, I’m not talking about if someone cheats on you while you’re in a relationship, unless you decide to move on past it. If you do, then you have to leave the past in the past or it will tear you apart. But, what I’m talking about here is the things that were done before you met or before you started dating. How can you hold a person’s actions against them for that?

Before B and I met we both dated other people. He slept with other people. Am I supposed to be jealous and not trust him because of this? I cannot think of anything more ridiculous. He loves me. I love him. And all of this went down before we met. We both have strong views on cheating. I trust him completely. As in, he can go to strip clubs, bars, out with the guys without me. I know who he loves. I know who he’s coming home to. So does he. And he trusts me in the same way.

Trust is the foundation for every relationship. You cannot love without trust. If you don’t trust each other, then, you’re always going to be worried about what they do. And how can you do that if you love them? Trust and love have to go about hand in hand. They have no other choice.

And, no matter how dark a person’s past is, it’s their past. It isn’t their present. And if they’ve changed then you have to accept that. Most importantly, you can’t keep throwing their past into their face. How can you tell someone you love them and then tell them that you think less of them for their past? You aren’t letting your past be your past. Or theirs be theirs. We may be shaped by our pasts but I refuse to believe that we are completely defined by them. Every moment in life is a learning experience. Every happening shapes part of who we are, yes, but that doesn’t mean that it defines who we are. And if you can’t let go of the past, yours or someone else’s, than you are the one with the problem. Not them.

Leave the past in the past. That’s where it belongs.

~The Countess~

Chevrolet Irritations

I am the up-until-now happy owner of a Chevrolet HHR. There have been issues in the past, like with the fact that the air intake for the car is in the front passenger wheel well, but, I should have known better than to be out driving in the pouring rain. I mean, people don’t drive in the rain.

Anyway, about two weeks ago I  went to open my door to get out, a fairly normal activity in my opinion, and the door handle came off in my hand. I was shocked and kind of amused. I’ve spent the last two weeks just rolling down my window to open the door from the outside. But, finally, this weekend I’ll be home and my dad was going to be able to fix the car. Up until we learned that Chevy will not just sell us the cheap little door handle. Even marked up it shouldn’t have cost me more than $10.00. Nope, instead, I have to buy the entire door panel. For $369.00. As if that’s going to happen.

I’m more than just a little peeved at Chevy now. I have no intentions of ever being a Chevy owner again. And I’ve told them this. I love my little HHR. But asking me to spend over $350.00 for a less than $10.00 part, that’s ridiculous. And I’m not going to do it.

Buy American cars? Only if the value is actually good.

~The Countess~

Countess tested and approved

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve suffered from mouth ulcers. I thought it was normal for people to bite the side of their mout accidentally and end up with a sore that lasted for close to two weeks.

I learned that it wasn’t while dealing with braces. Every adjustment brought bunches of the little things. As a teenager I was often miserable. It seemed that i had a canker sore more often than I didn’t. Because of this, I’ve tried more remedies than I can count. I’ve decided to share some of the more successful ones here.

L-lyseine: an oral vitamin supplement. I took it daily for a couple of years. It helped me get out of the cycle of constantly having ulcers. It is preventative and has no effect on any ulcers that do develop.

Musicianal Ramblings: An Introduction

I’ve had quite a few conversations recently with friends regarding a wide variety of topics relating to musicians and have decided to blog about it. However, these topics are just varied enough that I’ve decided to make it a mini-series. So far the topics I’m going to cover are: Band Member Privacy, How to Hire Musicians, Musician’s Rights, and Musicians and Favors. These will be switching between addressing musicians and non-musicians. So for Band Member Privacy, I’m going to talk to fans about respecting band member’s/musician’s privacy and I’m going to talk to musicians about what they can do to maintain their privacy without alienating their fan base or their family/friends.

It seems to me that people often need help in understanding how to relate to musicians that are their friends and musicians that they are fans of. In the same way beginning musicians need to know what’s what about keeping their personal lives separate, about how to handle settings fees, etc. I’m not at all claiming to know everything about all of this. But, I handle quite a few gigs on the paraprofessional level, both for myself and for my band. Megabands and the like already know this stuff and most of their fans do too. That said, this is going to be my opinion, plain and simple. If you don’t like it, feel free to chime in and disagree or offer other alternatives.

~The Countess~