Well, I still don’t know what I’m going to do. But I know that I’m doing something. Possibly moving out of Texas. Possibly moving out of the States. I’m looking for jobs all over the US. And I’m considering doing a graduate program abroad. I got tired of the status quo and so I’m shaking things up.

I haven’t posted because I haven’t known what to say. I’m struggling really badly here in San Antonio right now. I feel trapped. Trapped by my living situation – yes it’s free but it comes with it’s own price. Trapped by my job – it’s unfulfilling. Everyday I ask myself why I got a master’s degree to do this. Trapped by everything. I have no friends outside of the folks I live with. And, that situation is starting to deteriorate. And I’m sure they’d be shocked to hear me say so. But, I feel like an intruder and a burden. And it sucks to feel that way in your “home.”

I’m trying to trust God that he has a plan in all of this, but right now, I can’t see the way out. I have no idea why he brought me here. I want out. But I don’t know where to go.

And this is why I haven’t been posting. Because it’s bad enough to fight the tears when I’m trying to go to sleep. But admitting to them elsewhere…

~The Countess~

To be yours is all I dream. Can you hear my heart across this sea?

Those are the lyrics to the chorus of a song written by my friends Mandy and Maggie of the band Rowan Fall. It’s written in the style of an old Irish ballad. And it’s beautiful.

I make no promises of updates anytime soon. Things are so crazy here. There are incredibly good times and incredibly hard ones. I’ve started attending a bible study through my church and I’m trying to meet people to help assauge the lonliness. My friends are amazing. Actually, they’re beyond amazing.

My job is good. I’ve had some great opportunities as an accompanist and performer. I’m also picking up more students. The job with Gymboree is going well as well. They’re dealing with my request to not work mid-afternoons and evenings very well. I’ve got some opportunities for this fall and at that time I’m probably going to spring no Saturday work availability for Gymboree too.

Anyways, I just thought that I would pop in and let you all know I’m still alive. Just, discontent at times, and I don’t want to write about that. So, I’m not writing. Ah well.

Can you hear my voice; beneath the rain? Can you find me here; in my hurricane?

~The Countess~

I know – two posts in one day after only two others in the whole month. What can I say, I’m sporadic.

After all of the depressing-ish posts about my view on my life right now, I thought I should throw out a normal, everyday update.

Work: I’m now working at Gymboree Play and Music – SA. It’s awesome. The ladies are fun. I’m almost finished with training, which has been the only frustrating part, since I taught Gymboree back in Houston. Still, it’s been fun. I love getting paid to play with kids. (The weightloss benefits of doing moderate cardio for 4-6 hours a day is pretty nice too.) I’m also teaching four private piano students with a couple of potential studetnts on the radar as well as doing some sporadic accompanying.

Living: I love living with a family of four. There are people to cook for, which is spectacular because I love to cook for people. There are people to talk to at the end of the day and people to interact with or just sit near while everyone is working. Also, living with musicians is the best. There is music going 24/7 here. Someone is always composing/improving/practicing/playing. It’s awesome.

Social: I’m starting to get out more with the folks from my church. I’ve gone to our hermanas group and I’m working on joining a fellowship team. It’s nice to get to know people – the only weird thing is – pretty much everyone is married. That sure is a change from CTK. Still, between working for Gymboree and teaching/accompaning I don’t have a ton of free time – which is also a good thing.

Anyways, we’re headed off to a bbq for Memorial day. Remember to thank all the soldier’s you know!

~The Countess~

I would be hard pressed to pick my favorite season. There are certain things I love about every season. I love that in spring, everything is coming to life. It’s all new and fresh. The mornings are still cool and yet the promise of summer is hard to ignore. For summer, I love the warmth and the freedom that is associated with it. Summer seems to be the most carefree time of the year. With fall, the cool mornings return and the excitement of all the fall holidays build. And yet, fall contains the knowledge of the death of the year. Winter is a blessed relief from the heat of summer. It carries the weight of the world – all the death and dying is contained in winter. Symbolized in it. And yet, it’s in winter that we celebrate the coming of our Lord. So, even in the death of the year, there is hope.

Seasons of life are very similar. There are times when everything is new, coming to life. There are times when life seems carefree and fun. There are times when friendships and opportunities “die” as they leave and doors are closed. And there are times when everythnig is bleak and life seems dead – but there is still hope. But with life, the seasons seem to intermingle more. The bleak, lonely times intermix with the fun, fulfilling times. It’s less like a cycle and more like a revolving door – you never know quite what it’s going to be until it comes.

I’ve recently felt like I’ve been stuck in a fall/winter season – full of hardship and loneliness but with the hope of new life/friendships/etc. for quite some time. And, since my move, I’ve realized that I’m in more of a spring season – things are new, but they contain all of the growing pains of moving to a new place in life. Beyond just moving to a new city, I’ve moved on to a truly post-collegiate life. It’s downright weird sometimes and devastatingly lonely at others. And yet, there is the hope, the promise of the future. You never know what tomorrow holds – you just know that it’s going to be an adventure.

~The Countess~

Lost and insecure you; found me, you found me.

Lying on the floor; surround me, surround me.

Why’d you have to wait; where were you, where were you?

Just a little late; you found me, you found me.

I’ve been feeling a little lost here in San Antonio. Don’t get me wrong, my friends here are amazing. They’ve gone above and beyond the call of friendship in giving me not just a house, but a home. But, there’s only so much they can do. I felt so lost and alone in church this morning. So broken.

And I’m waiting on God. To find me, surround me, be with me. And I know that his timing is perfect. It’s only our perspective that isn’t.

~The Countess~

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it ws the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way.

- Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

There’s so much I need to say. San Antonio is amazing. And yet, it’s not easy being in a new city. I still feel like I’m in limbo. Like I’m waiting for something to come and happen to settle my life. I’m trying to trust in God.

Living with my friends is wonderful and challenging. Wonderful because I have dear friends who are good Christians that nurture and encourage me. Challenging because I’m a selfish individual used to living alone and struggling to adapt to living with a family. That, and because I wish I was in bed, but I have an awake two-and-a-half year old who isn’t tired.

The job hunt is interesting. I have a second interview with Gymboree on Monday. I’m praying that they’ll offer me a job so that I can start earning a steady paycheck asap. It’s hard to trust God, when the bank account is empty and the prospects seem bleak.

Socially, I’ve seen quite a bit of my friends here in town. I was hoping to meet the worship team at church tomorrow, but, that isn’t going to happen because I have to accompany a competition. And, things will get better. I’ll start meeting people. Hopefully I can find God’s will for me in this town. Because right now I feel adrift, lost, afloat. It’s rather unsettling.

I waver between being this bubbly and happy girl who is thrilled and excited to be living this life right now to being on the verge of tears, terrified and lonely. The only thing I know for sure is that God is good and just. And that it is in his power alone that I stand at all.

In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone, Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev’ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow’r of Christ in me;
From life’s first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow’r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow’r of Christ I’ll stand.

I pray this song in my life right now. And in it, and in him, I find peace, hope, and love.

~The Countess~

I’m sitting here at my parent’s house, waiting for them to get ready, so that we can drive to H-town and load the trailer. Today is the beginning of new things and the end of the H-town era. Crazy. I remember moving there. On Friday,  August 10, 2007 my mom and I drove the van and trailer to my new apartment, unloaded it with my girlfriends from school, got the trailer stuck and were rescued by a hometown friend. And now I’m leaving.

It’s the end of my school years too, at least, as far as being a student is concerned. I’m out of the PhD rat race and am perfectly happy this way. I love me some musicologists, but, I have noticed that the longer folks stay with studying it, the stranger they become. I’m already strange enough.

But, enough with the ends, it’s the beginning of so many things. “The first day of the rest of my life,” so to speak. SA represents newness. New friends, new church, new job (what’s that a full-time job?), new opportunities, new trials, new blessings, and the list goes on. At least, it will if I survive moving today and tomorrow.

~The Countess~

Rice traveled to Austin today to play the second game between the Longhorns and the Owls. And they pulled off the clutch 7-4 win. While the Owls led the entire game, it never felt “safe” or “easy.” There were clutch plays made all around by the team. While we went through quite a few pitchers, that has become the norm ever since Berry and Ojala went out. It’s more of a Johnny Wholestaff approach then most Rice Owls fans are used to. Still, each pitcher contributed something to the game and kept it moving. And while we did issue 12 walks and throw 4 wild pitches, we still never trailed the game. Our offense was more productive. Our defense made the plays. In all, our guys gutted it out.

They showed their character and fiber in this game. These boys are anything but quitters. When the news first broke that Berry and Ojala were going to miss some major games the word creeping around the internet was a solemn whisper, “Win by whatever means neccessary.” And that’s exactly what this team has done. It hasn’t always been text-book pretty. Or picture perfect. But, every game, someone has stepped up. Be it a hitter, a pitcher, or a defensive player, these guys have made it happen.

It makes them so hard to watch.

It makes them so much fun to watch.

I love cheering for this team. I love the nail-biting, intensely-close, are-they-going-to-pull-it-out moments. I love that no game feels safe. I love that no game ever feels out of reach or un-winable. College baseball is always a game of ups and downs. A hitter can be 2-3 with 2 home runs and 2 walks in one game and be o-for the next. Does it make them any less valuable? Of course not. These guys make it happen on every side of the plate. Someone steps up every time. It is the definition of clutch. It’s exactly what the fans asked for. We are 15-4 since the announcement first came about our Friday-Saturday pitchers. And while, yes, Mike Ojala did come in for 5 innings against both ECU and Marshall, he still wasn’t at full strength. And we’ve been plagued by other injuries and illnesses. And they still find ways to keep winning.

People called tonight’s game ugly. We never trailed. Sure we issued more walks than I would have liked, but you know something, we also didn’t let UT take advantage of it. And we scored when we needed to. 9 of our batters accounted for our 10 hits. But, there’s so much more to it than that. Anthony Rendon was hit by three pitches. Jimmy Comerota had a huge RBI sacrifice. And on and on and on. I could start with every player in our rotation and go around and mention clutch play after clutch play, both at the plate and defensively. These boys have heart. And they use it to win games. I’ve never been more proud to root for a team of any kind, than to be known as a fan of this Rice Owls baseball team. I’m with them all the way. I will never doubt their heart, their courage, their guts, or their talent. Most of all, I’ll never doubt there coach. Rice fight, never die. Blue, gray, in the sky. Stand, cheer, drink more beer. Go, Go, Go Rice!

~The Countess~

It was a hell of a weekend. There’s simply no other way to put it. Let me set the scene for you and unfold this tragic tale of water, cars, and the loss of what little sanity I never had.

Location: Houston, TX

Time: 4:00 Friday, April 17

It was my last day of class. A happy thing to be sure. And now a friend was driving down so we could go stay at a fabulous hotel for our church’s women’s conference. I was playing music for the conference so we had to be there fairly early on Friday evening, before the Ladies Night activities began. There was a wee storm system moving through. (And by wee, I mean massive, it was taking out electricity and dumping rain at a rate of two inches an hour, while moving very slowly.) However, it was barely sprinkling at my place as we loaded my car to make the drive to the hotel.

Twenty minutes later it’s pouring, we are still on the road and it starts to hail. Now, I don’t know what you know about Houston, but let me tell you this: if it rains an inch, there’ll be a foot of water in the streets. I probably should have pulled off into a parking lot, but, I was trying to make sound check and was rapidly realizing that this rain had no intention of going away. There we are, at the intersection of Main St. and Elgin, gaping at the water in the street. Still, everyone is driving through it, so, it won’t be a problem, right? Wrong. A block later my car loses power and I’m suddenly dead in the road. I immeadiately put my hazard lights on and jump out to push my car in the driving rain. Does anyone jump out to help me? No, they prefer to sit in their cars and honk at the two young women now pushing a car in the torrential downpour. We barely get the car clear of the road in a Wells Fargo parking lot and then hop back in my car to weigh our options. Jenn gets her mom on the phone and has her start heading down to pick us up. I start trying to call my parents and the rest of my music team to let them know that I may not make sound-check. We decide we should push the car further into the lot, so back out into the rain we go. This time, a gentleman ran across the street and helped us get the car into the back corner of the lot. Wells Fargo assures me that they won’t tow. So, when Jenn’s mom arrives we transfer our stuff and dash to the hotel. My dad had told me to let the car sit over night and see if it would start in the morning.

Saturday morning, our first break in the conference was at ten. I hopped into a car with a dear lady from our church: Mrs. R. and we drove down to check on my car. I put the key in the ignition, turned it, and, click-click-click was all I got out of it. Back to the hotel we went, calling all of our Elder’s, Deacon’s, and Pastor’s while we were at it. My dad tried to head to Houston, only to find that the road leading to our house was underwater. Another dear lady, Mrs. B. helps me find someone with jumper cables, and back out we go to my car. At this point, I know I’m probably going to miss the next worship session of the conference, but, my car must be taken care of. Another friend, JL, calls and volunteers his services to help with my car. He came and spent an hour trying to jump it, pulling the fuses to see if I blew one, and finally, we decide, in the midst of another torrential downpour, that there is nothing we can do. I called a tow-truck through AT&T’s roadside service and was told the wait would be 45 minutes. An hour later, the service called back and told me the tow-truck had cancelled due to the weather and that they would arrange another truck. This one is going to be 90 minutes. So, back to the hotel I dash to get my suitcase so that I can just go home with my car. My parents have made it off of our property and were heading into town. While I’m at the hotel, I get a call, the tow-truck is at my car and if I’m not there in ten minutes – he’ll leave, this was only thirty minutes after I got the initial call. I dash down to find Mrs. R. and we hop in her car. She drove like a speed-angel (shouldn’t say demon, we were at a church retreat) and we got there before the tow-truck driver left. He took me to my apartment, where I met up with my parents. After a quick lunch (at 4:30) my dad started working on my car in the rain.

Around 6:30 he comes in and kindly informs me that I’ve gotten water in the engine. Hmm, well, that’s a problem. Luckily, my dad is very talented. And he gets the water out. Roughly a half-gallon actually. And the car is now running. My parent’s stayed the night. I moved my “leaving Houston” party to Sunday from Saturday thanks to the extreme flexibility and kindness of my dear friends. And I even got to take them to a baseball game (my parents that is) at Reckling Park. And, I now know that the air intake for my car is in the front, passenger-side wheel well. Not the best place in my opinion, but from now on, if there’s water in the road, I’m not going through it. No matter how many other low cars are making it through. It’s just better for my sanity that way. And that, is how my weekend tried to kill me.

~The Countess~

So, I was at work at Gymboree today. Cleaning the gym like I do every Thursday. And I tripped on one of the gym mats. One of the gym mats that our babies crawl and walk over with no problems. And I either broke or severely sprained the fourth toe on my left foot. It hurts like the dickens. But, it hasn’t turned all purpley-black like my foot did the last time I broke a toe. Either way it hurts. And, I feel like such a klutz, regardless. Kind of funny that I teach at a children’s gym and I hurt my toe while cleaning.

As to the closure, well, I turned in my thesis for the final time today. I have paid for it to be archived/published. And I have signed the form saying that I cannot access it anymore. That was my favorite part. It’s gone. I waved good-bye to it and skipped away. (This was before the toe-breaking) And yet, it is so hard to realize that my two years at Rice are drawing to a close. It’s almost unfathomable. And it’s absolutely amazing.

I’m not sure how long I’ll stay out of the academic world. I’m thrilled with this degree and I’m perfectly fine walking away right now. Who knows what will come up later. What I do know is that I am cherishing every day on campus. And every moment here in Houston with my friends. Because, before I know it this will be behind me. There are so many fond memories here. It’s going to be hard to leave, but, I’m excited for the future. Funny then, that closure involves an opening of other opportunities. I love life. It’s so amazing.

~The Countess~

Today was tax day. No one likes tax day. No one wants to give their government their hard-earned money. Especially if they don’t agree with the party in power. Or they think the government is mis-handling their money. It’s not an easy day. I wasn’t thrilled to have to pay taxes when I earned as ridiculously little as I did. But, I also realize that taxation makes the government go round. And honestly, we’d be in this boat regardless of which party was in power.

However, all of the Taxed Enough Already parties that were thrown, started me wondering, what other kinds of parties can we have? Either using tea or some other acronym.

*Disclaimer: I am not actually encouraging anyone to do any of the following. If you do and you get hurt or in trouble, I am not responsible and cannot be held liable.*

Tested Enough Already? Students, are you tired of being tested? Hold a party to revolt. Throw tea on your professor. Throw test pages and ink into the nearest bodies of water. (Doing so while in 18th century garb will definitely earn you more kudo points)

Seen Enough Already? Sick of all the stupid movies in the theater? Hold a protest party. Throw popcorn at the screens. Stand and sing during corny lines. Pretend to be on a sinking ship, I mean, come on, if the movie is that bad, you sort of are.

Practiced Enough Already? Music students, this one is for you. Aren’t you tired of being beaten down by your professors making you practice all the time? Don’t they know you have a life? Don’t they know you have better things to do? Stop practicing now. Decorate your professors’ studios with peas. Frozen/fresh/cooked/raw, it doesn’t matter. The smell and clean up should get at least a day’s worth of students out of lessons. Take those practice guidelines/assignment/report books and throw them into the school fountain.

Tasted Enough Already? Eaten enough at a restaurant to decide you don’t want to pay for the food? Throw it on the ground and storm out. No more paying for mediocre food. Throw it at your server, tell them you are having a TEA party and leave.

Slept Enough Already? Tired of your body demanding that you waste precious hours in sleep? Show yourself who is boss. Throw your pillows into your pool. Quit sleeping. Keep everyone else around you up too. You’ll be a revolutionary…although, revolutionize quickly, you won’t be around for long.

Played Enough Already? Kids, are you tired of your parent’s always telling you to go play? Don’t do it anymore. Do chores instead. Do your homework. Don’t let them tell you to enjoy your childhood. Throw your crayons in the creek. Stand up for yourself and your right to work.

What are some ideas for parties that you have? Do you think any of these will catch on?

~The Countess~

It’s funny how life is. You can make set plans, really feel led towards doing something and then with one phone-call everything can change. I’ve just been plunged back into uncertainty regarding life. Not that this is a bad thing. I’ve been offered an incredible opportunity. And if it pans out there is no way I’m turning it down. But, it’s pretty much the opposite of what I was expecting to do.

I’m thrilled with this opportunity. It’s essentially a dream job/career. But I’m torn, because I’ve had my plans in place for months now and it’s hard to imagine changing them. The difference though is in my current plans I’m a struggling free-lance musician and in the new plans I have a steady, well-paying, full-time job. And that, is hard to walk away from. Especially in this economy. It’s all very up in the air right now. I don’t even know that I’ll get the job, but, oh it would be such a relief if I do.

If you pray, let me ask you to pray for me as I make these decisions about what to do. I know that I’m being partially obtuse, but that’s because things are in such an early stage. Still, I appreciate the prayers.

~The Countess~

I wish I could have been there tonight. I wish I was there right now. What a game this has been. We trailed at one point, 11-4 and we came back to win 15-11. A whole plethora of guys stepped up to the plate tonight. Mark Haynes put in quality innings to stymie the early offensive outpouring by the Pirates. Ryan Lewis substituted in for Rick Hague (still waiting on the reason that Rick left the game) and made a key hit and caught a key out. Chad Mozingo pinch-hit for a bases-clearing double to give Rice the first lead of the game at 12-11. Craig Manuel and Michael Fuda hit for a combined 7-8 with a walk. Clutch plays all around.

We trailed by 7 points twice in the game, once at 7-0 and once at 11-4. But the players didn’t give up and they proved that they are a scrappy team. It seems like whatever they are dealt, i.e., both Hague and Mozingo not playing in the game, they step up to the challenge and do whatever it takes to win.

Rice fight, never die. Blue, Gray, in the sky. Stand, cheer, drink more beer. Go, go, go Rice!

~The Countess~

I really thought that I was done with this. And by this, I mean being up until almost 0300 editing my thesis.

You know, I mean, I’ve already written the thing. Six long weeks of actual writing. Six long weeks of late nights turning into early mornings. Six weeks of crashing mid-afternoon due to a lack of sleep. And then, I turned in the whole thing on March 9 and I felt such relief. I went out with friends, I celebrated, I cried. The emotional release was kind of scary.

Right after that, it was back to the editing room as my Chair and I did the final prep for my thesis committee. I thought for sure that nothing would sound sweeter than my professor telling me that my thesis was ready for committee. I came close to crying then, the relief was so great. Of course, this was followed quickly by the on-set of quietly quivering nerves about my upcoming defense. They were always there, sometimes just a nagging thought as I fell asleep. Othertimes a full blown panic attack as I faced the unknown.

Finally, a week ago I defended. Surprisingly, or not, I was strangely calm. I was prepared. I prayed with my mom before going in. I knew (know) the material. Until the last five minutes before I walked in, I was perfectly fine. Those last five minutes I had to practice slow, purposeful breathing. Once I was in the room? It really was a piece of cake. My Chair had my back. And the other professors were inquisitive in a good way. It was actually kind of fun. When my Chair opened the door and told me congratulations…I think the world had to have stopped for a minute. There was a pause. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted to lay down and sleep. Instead, I shook their hands and hugged all of them. And said thank you a million times. There was the release. I went out into the parking lot and jumped and screamed and cried. Again, it was followed by an emotional let down, but it was okay, I had passed. It was over.

Except, of course, I had to do the final edits. Which brings us to tonight. I actually tried to go to bed over three hours ago. An hour after that I got up and started editing. Because, once again, I was lying in bed awake, thinking about the work I needed to do on my thesis. Now, I just have to write my acknowledgements and my abstract. And, maybe, move a chapter around. And, I think I’ve realized now, that it won’t really be over until I hand it in to the library along with the form acknowledging that I can no longer access it from that point on. Honestly, I think I knew this before now. I mentioned some time ago, that I was “done” but not really. That, yeah, I was “done” then, but that I’d be “done” again in two weeks, and still not be “done” for another three weeks after that. But, finally, it’s almost done. Seriuously, I mean it this time.

God has been so good and gracious in getting me through this time. Every time I’ve felt lost and alone, because of the frailty of human relationships, he has sent me messages or signs that He is with me and sustaining me. I think I would have cracked by now, if I hadn’t had this support.

Here’s hoping that I only have to be up this late once or twice more in these last two weeks of class. Oh yeah, you read that right. I’m less than two weeks from my final day of classes ever!

~The Countess~